5:30 a.m. Damn, I am late. Adi’s flight is supposed to land in an hour and I just woke up. I need to rush; the only comfort is that I will not have to face the traffic. I should be able to make it to the airport in 45 minutes. I am jumping red lights now, and my only hope is the laziness of the police officers. I hope there aren’t any on the streets now as I do not want to be fined. I finally make it to the airport on time. I crane my neck to try and find Adi among the sea of people. No sight of her. After what seems like an age, I finally spot her. Dressed in classic blue denims and a white jacket, Adi as usual manages to steal everyone’s attention. Her black eyes complemented her thick black mane which was left open. She looked confident like a woman with a perfectly balanced head on top of her shoulders. And then, suddenly she sees me; her eyes twinkling with excitement. I scream her name and as usual she gives me a reproachful look. Adi hates excessive public displays of emotion (excessive?). My sister, Adrika, is back. I wonder if there could be a better timing.
My mind is filled with questions. We both are quiet. I think when there is a lot to talk about, one doesn’t know where to start from and this leads to an awkward silence. Adi breaks the ice. “So, how have you been?”
“Good, how about you?”, I replied.
“Hmm, I am great. What about Ma and Baapi? It has been long that you haven’t visited home. In fact Ma was complaining that it seems that you do not care enough”
“Adi you know that this is not the case. It is just that I have been busy with… mmm… this and that”
“And, just what exactly is your ‘this and that’.”
“You have just landed; we’ve not even reached home. I shall tell you everything or at least that what I can translate to words. There are myriad things that cannot be expressed with words. I want you to understand what it was like, how it felt, I shall at least try. There we’ve reached home, let’s just go and relax now.”
I close the topic then with such finality that Adrika is taken aback.
It is almost dark, the two of us enjoying our prolonged siesta when the doorbell rings. It has to be Rohit I tell myself. I was wrong, it’s Udant.
“How are you?” Cool, calm and composed, his eyes expressionless, cold, almost lifeless.
I fumble and just manage a squeaky “Am ok”.
“Won’t you even ask me inside?”
I want to shout at him, right then and there. How can you be so confident, calm? I am jealous of you Udant. Is it that it doesn’t matter to you at all? All I managed to say was “I’m sorry, come in.”
“How have you been?’
“All right, how was I supposed to be?”
“Why do you always have to answer a question with a question?”
“Why do you always ask me such questions the answer to which lies in another question?”
He just smiles. I am seeing him after a year. There is a strange loneliness in his eyes, they are empty. Is it my Udant, I wonder. For what seemed to me like an age, neither of us speak anything. We just stare at each other hungrily swallowing all that we could. My mind is full of questions, anger, hurt… It’s like a big cauldron of every kind of feeling that a human experiences in the course of his life. Why is he here? Udant finally breaks the silence.
“You must be wondering why I am here. Well, I was cleaning my apartment and I found something of yours that I had to return. I mailed you but never got any response. I did not have your number and this was the only way I could contact you. Trust me Amo, had there been any other way, I would not be here. I know it’s not easy for you. Damn it, do you think it’s easy for me?”
It was your choice Udant, then why are you complaining, I tell myself, hoping that he heard my unspoken words.
The expression on his face said that he had heard me. Strange, he still has the power to read everything that goes on inside my head.
“I had come to give you this.” And he took out a red diary from his bag. I could not believe that he still has it. It’s the only thing that I had ever given Udant in 3 years, rather, he took it from me by force. I remember that evening so clearly, infact I remember all the evenings, days, nights so clearly. My RED DIARY. “Amodita in words” is how he had described it.
“Thank you; I had thought that I had lost it.”
“I will never let you loose anything, Amo.”
Liar, after taking away everything that I had you say that you will not let me loose anything. An empty stare is all that I could manage.
“Good bye, Amo. Take care of yourself. Only you know how precious you are”
“Bye”. And I watch him leave. Is this the last time that I saw him? I am too numb to think anything. I just stare at the diary… “Amodita, in words”.
“Who was it?” I am woken from my thoughts by Adi. “And, why are you crying?” Crying? Am I really crying? I feel my cheeks, they are moist; I was crying.
“Udant. It was Udant”.
“Why did you not wake me up? And, will you please tell me Amo what has happened? I know that something has terribly gone wrong and I have every right to know. So, please tell me.”
“Adi, just give me some time. Its not simple and you have to promise me that you will not be judgmental. What had to happen has happened and nothing can change it and I do not want to change it. I do not regret that it happened.”
“Hmm. You have my word. Take your time but make sure that it’s not the end of eternity.”
“My dear sister that was a paradox. Eternity means endless, how can it then have an end?”
“I don’t want to get into the PROPAH use of words here, my dear kid sister. I think I have conveyed my message and I think you have understood pretty well. By the way, I have to go to meet Prof. Iyer now. He is leaving for Colombo tomorrow and there are some books that I have to give him. Will you come with me?”
“Na, you can take my car if you want. I intend to be home.”
Adi left and I am alone with the diary in my hand. I do not have the courage to open it, to wake up all the memories. But the urge to read it again overshadowed the fear and I finally opened it.
