I have no hopes nor do I have any expectations. I think that is why I am safe and I think that is why I am still living. It was not easy for me yet I had to do it. What made me do it? I don't know. I was living with this inside me and it was tearing me apart.And now that I have said it I feel so light inside. The pain shall remain but atleast now I can find solace in the fact that I am not the only one. You feel the pain too.

Oh Calcutta!!!

I read this beautiful article on Calcutta today. It was titled Calcutta forever. The Communist government completes 30 years in West Bengal and hence the article.



Calcutta is forever. Yes, it is. For me it will always be Calcutta and not Kolkata. It was so refreshing to see the name of the city being spelt as "Calcutta" and not "Kolkata". It was a very well written article, one that made me nostalgic about the city and its wonders, the Coffee House, the trams, bus conductors shouting Garia, BBD Bag, etc., the adda and tea for 50paise, and lot more.



I am not from Calcutta, but the city has always been close to my heart. Maybe because it’s my birthplace or maybe for the mere fact that I am a Bengali. The description of Calcutta in the article took me back to a time when I would hold my father's hands and stroll through the streets and then finally stop somewhere to eat the beguni or aloo chop.



I went to Calcutta a few months back after a long gap and I was amazed to see the changes. Malls, pubs, KFC's, Baristas and the Cafe Coffee Days. Yet what I love about the city is the co existence of the past and the present. I am happy that the city is growing yet I can still find those small things that used to give me immense happiness. The writer wrote that the old Calcutta sheds its skin slowly. I agree to some extent but I don't think Calcutta will shed its old skin completely ever. As he wrote..... Calcutta is forever!!!

The Ache

Have u ever felt an ache in the heart that hurts physically? I have and it hurts so much. When I lie on my bed and stare at the white ceiling, I feel this pain. At times I enjoy this pain. You know the ache because you long for someone; I like this feeling of longing. Along with the pain it also gives me warmth. Ya, you may feel that this pain is self inflicted. At one glance, it may seem so. But if you look at it a little more closely you will realize that it’s not self inflicted. You came like a breeze, touched me, touched my soul and now you are going. Could I have avoided it? I tried to but I just became a dried leaf which swayed with the breeze. And, now I am transported here without anything but just the feeling and the pain. It was a moment and a moment which transformed me and left its indelible mark. You came and penetrated my soul, my heart. You saw the real me, you felt me, my happiness, my sorrows as if it were your own. You made me laugh at the silliest of things and you made me cry. The time has come for us to move on and I know that there isn’t anything that I can do about it. This was the only time I was meant to be with you. Then why does my heart crave for more and more? Why does it ache?

Entwined

Thank You

This post is for you, a wonderful person who has made my life beautiful in a million ways, thank you for all that and a lot more. I know that you may never read this but its just another way of me appreciating all that you have done for me.

Thank you for coming into my life, and making me realise that life is beautiful,
Thank you for teaching me how to love myself,
Thank you for giving me strength,
Thank you for standing by me when I needed you,
Thank you for restoring back my faith,
Thank you for teaching me to fight,
Thank you for the best times of my life.

I could go on and on thanking you for the myriad things. But trust me no matter how many times I say thanks it will never be enough.

Is this me??

I read this and was wondering is this me??? Moving from girlhood to middleage and avoiding the womanhood?? Am I lost and found??? I really don't know. But when I raed this I somehow felt that it may be me...........

Lament, of Change


I do not embrace change.
At this stage in my life,
ebbing away inexorably
from girlhood to middle-age
avoiding much of womanhood between;

no, I do not embrace change
I remain a constant, both dull and loyal
the rock from which is launched
other people’s dreams.

I would embroider me one of those samplers;
Victoriana in its purest form -
I am lost and found, unclaimed property
and I cannot find a place like home.

I would place a candle in the window
if you had not made it clear
your journeying is not done and I
cannot follow nor expect your return.
Friendship it seems, has its limits.

Glass and paste and glitter -
I thought it was a long and fruitful path
but barren fields surround me
and I am not accepting of this failure.
My refusal to make merry at this wake
has sealed my fate, in your eyes I have becomea burden.
I would be light-hearted if I could
but I cannot play that role.
You sliced deep, you struck home.

Nor will I play the part you wrote for me,
of spinster friend, empty of hope
pulling you back. Or have I already
unconsciously adopted this disguise?
What a thought! Tainting every memory
of companionship. Breeding insecurity
all too easy as a single woman of uncertain age

Ah, one cannot write a friendship while alive
It needs death to sanctify it.