Showing posts with label Thoughts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Thoughts. Show all posts

15 February 2012

No Ma'm, we do not like short hair here

Last week, I was at the airport waiting for my cab. There was a group of foreigners next to me. A girl was staring at me, I smiled at her. She walked up to me and told me that I am the second Indian woman she has seen with short hair and the first with short hair and a sari.

That got me thinking. You actually do not see many Indian women with short hair. Sure there are women who sport stylish bobs but really short, boy cuts, not many. I pictured all the women I knew and realized that only one of them had short hair. Even the celebrities do not have short hair. In the West, we see celebrities with short hair like Meg Ryan, but not here. Sure, they do wear wigs at times but they do not chop off their hair. Why?

I asked my male friends and most of them said that they prefer girls with long hair. Is it because of that? We always look for that nod of approval, esp from our partners and in most cases short hair does not get that. I know that the BF does not like me with short hair. But, what the heck, it is my hair and I will wear it the way I want to.

I still do not know why we do not see many Indian women with short hair and I want to know what people have to say about it. Do share your thoughts on it.

2 February 2012

To Do List for 2012

Yes I know New Year and the time for making resolutions is gone. Why now, you may ask. Well, I make resolutions and am usually pathetic when it comes to keeping them So, this year I decided to give myself a month and see if I actually make any efforts in keeping them and if I do, then I would list them. Am happy to announce that I have been quite good so here is the list.


  1. Buy one pair of shoe every month. This is the best resolution that I have ever taken. It does not require much of an effort considering the shoe crazy person that I am. There is also a penalty attached to this. In case I do not buy a pair in a particular month, I have to buy 3 the next month. One for the previous month, one for the current and one is the penalty.
  2. Read the books that are already there on the shelf and then buy new books. Basically buy fewer books.
  3. Write regularly
  4. Finish the incomplete stories
  5. Gift myself a car this birthday.
  6. Be organized
  7. Travel to atleast 5 new destinations
  8. Yearly trip to Gokarna 
  9. Join a gym/swimming/yoga. Exercise!
  10. Eat and cook more veggies.
  11. Learn to cook atleast 5 new cuisines
  12. Take care of myself 
  13. Be more patient and less impulsive
  14. Learn to like my job or find something that I like
  15. Visit Delhi and College 
  16. Go to Benaras with Sangy to buy the Benarasi sari
  17. Lal Paar Dhakai Jamdaani
  18. Answer calls/messages and call people back
  19. Find and join a book club in Bangalore
  20. Not let go off nautanki me under any circumstance.



30 January 2012

Lost and Found

Mr. Sen was not in the best of his moods. There were people everywhere, in every corner of the house. He did not even know the name of half the people sitting around him. But then, he was never good with names. He looked at Ena and thought how old and haggard she looked. He smiled remembering their last meeting. It was 46 years ago. Well, he was older too. And people said that he was senile. What did people know?

Tanima looked at her Grand Uncle. She was afraid yet attracted to him. Her mother had warned her to stay away from Bododadu. He is mad is what her mother had told her. As Tanima stared at him she tried to find traces of the madness but all she saw was an old man with many, many wrinkles. She felt an intense urge to go close to him and count the wrinkles, touch them. He stared back and smiled at her. Tanima shuddered and hid her face in her mother's pallu. No one in the room noticed this exchange.

That little girl looks like Ena when she was younger, must be Ena's grand daughter, Mr. Sen thought to himself. He instantly liked her. Finally, someone in this house who is worth liking, he smiled. Just then, Jhumur asked him his opinion. Mr. Sen realised that they were in the middle of some discussion which he clearly had missed. He just shrugged. Jhumur looked happy and said that all was settled now. The others felt relieved too.

"Is Bododadu mad?" Tanima asked her Thakuma.

Ena was startled. "Of course not, who told you that?"

"Ma." Tanima was happy. She knew her Thakuma could never be wrong.

"Tell me more about Bododadu."

"Your Bododadu was my cousin and my best friend. We grew up in this house and were inseparable. Our friendship alienated us from all our cousins, for them the fact that we never fought made us weird. Today, I think they were jealous."

"Why does Ma not let me go near him? Why does Ma call him mad?"

"He chose to live life on his terms, it made a lot of people unhappy and hostile. They never understood him and so they branded him mad".

"But why were others not happy with him? Why did they want him to be like them? Ma and Babu are different but they don't call each other mad?"

"You are too young to understand it little girl. But know this, Bododadu is not mad. In fact, he is the smartest of all."

                                                          ****************

Mr. Sen was listening to old records when Ena knocked at his door.

"Since when do you need to knock?"

"It is a long time, you know. 46 years."

"I know. But have I changed? No, not for you." He smiled.

"Are you still angry with me?"

"I was. For a very long time, I hated to even hear your name. Perhaps that is why I never replied to any of your letters. But, age also gives you wisdom along with these wrinkles. I am not angry anymore. I understand why you did it."

"I have cursed myself so many times for not having the courage to listen to you. Life could have been so different."

"Don't complain Ena. You have done quite good. Tanima, isn't she your granddaughter? She is pretty, looks like you."

"Yes, she is. Quite a handful. She was asking me the other day if you are mad."

"So, what did you tell her? That Bododadu is the maddest mad". He smiled.

"No. I said that you are brave and smart."

"Pfff. All lies. Do not feed lies into a small girl's head. I was mad. I have always been mad, reckless and see where I am today."

"I wanted to speak to you about that. Why did you agree to sell the house?"

"Sell the house? Who wants to do that? I never agreed."

"Oh Chayan, you will never change. Jhumur asked you at the breakfast table and you said yes."

"So that was what he asked. He he. They want to sell the house. Good."

"You will let them sell this house? This is where we grew up, this is where you spent your life."

"Ena, this house is too big for me. I cannot look after it. It makes more sense."

"You have grown wiser."

"You mean old."

"Yes, we all are. But you are wiser too. So where will you go?"

"I have a small house in the hills. Have never told any of these mongrels. He he. I am smart that way. Will go there, do some gardening, read and wait for death. What about you?"

"Not such a wonderful life. I am the football, passed around my children once every 3 - 4 months. No one likes an old lady."

"Why don't you come and stay with me? It would be more comfortable for you."

"What would they say?"

"Ena, do you still care? You have already given them everything. You deserve to spend the last few years of your life your way."

                                                      **********************

Everyone was assembled at the living room. Ena had called them. There were murmurs in the room.

"I have called everyone here today as I have decided something for myself and I wish to communicate the same to you all."

Jhumur, his wife; Anita and her husband, Deb and his wife all looked perplexed. Everyone hoped that this was not about the house. They had already finalized the buyer and had made plans for the money that they would get. Mr. Sen sat in a corner and smiled at Ena.

"This is not about the house if that is what you are thinking."

There was a collective sigh of relief in the room.

"This is about me, my life. I think I have been a good wife and a mother. Your father is no more and you all have families and lives of your own. I am just a liability."

Jhumur, Anita, Deb all muttered small words of protest.

Ena dismissed them with a wave. "I know and it does not really hurt me. You all are young and have different priorities. So, I have decided that I will be with someone who actually wants me. I will marry Chayan, your Uncle."

Ena's words were met with a pin drop silence. And, then the outrage.

"How can you do this to us?" cried Jhumur and his wife.

"What will we tell others?" screamed Deb

Anita sat with her hands in her head and cried.

"I have decided. I am not seeking your permission. I am just informing." said Ena and left the room. Mr. Sen slowly followed her.

                                                           ***********************

Tanima sneaked into Ena's room. Her mother would beat her if she got caught. But Tanima had to speak to her Thakuma.

"Thakuma, why is everyone so angry with you? Ma has asked me not to talk to you. Bulbul, Tina and Rumon also say bad things about you and Bododadu."

"They will say such things, my dear. DO not pay any heed".

"But, why? I do not like when people say bad things about you."

"I and Bododadu are getting married. So, they are angry with us."

"But aren't marriages happy occassions? When Ranididi got married everyone was so happy. Ma even danced. Why aren't they happy now?"

"Because we are old. Old people do not marry. Also, we are cousins."

"Why can't old people get married? Because you will not look pretty as a bride."

"Ha ha. No, my dear. Well you see there are some rules made by people and we have to follow these rules. Getting married at this age that too to a cousin is going against such rules and so everyone is angry."

"Who made this rules? Why do we need to follow them? When I grow up I will not follow any rules. I will be like you, do what I want to do."

"Do not let your ma hear you say all this or both of us will be in a lot of trouble. run now before she catches you here."

                                                               *************************

Somewhere in the hills a month later

"So, finally after waiting for 72 years, I get to wake up next to you."

"Is that why you never got married Chayan?"

"Why else do you think. I could accept and adjust to everything else. But not waking up next to someone other than you."

She smiled. So did he.







24 January 2012

To work or not

If feminism is about having the choice to work shouldn't it also be having the choice to not work? Today, I fear, we women who work do not really have the choice to give it all up. Gone are those days when we would never think twice before asking our husbands to get us a sari or depend on our husbands to take care of us. In a Bengali wedding there is a custom where the groom promises that he would feed, clothe the bride. Today, it is just a custom. A man wants a woman who earns. Lifestyles have changed, wants have become needs and everyone is in a race to impress. A four wheeler will not do, it has to be sedan or an SUV;  a 2 bedroom flat is too small for two people, we need a 3 bedroom apartment; Same dress to two parties, absolutely NOT!

So, these are the days that we live in and it becomes almost impossible to sustain on one person's income. But, what if a woman does not want to be a part of this race, what if she wants to get up in the morning, cook for her family, rest in the afternoon, read more books, write and not rush to an office in the morning and work? Why is she not given that choice? And, same goes for the man. If he is not in a state of mind to work he should have the choice to quit, let the wife take care of the expenses then. My point is we do not really have that choice anymore. And, it is annoying. Day in and day out a lot of us spend 8 hours doing something that we do not like at all yet we have to.

Give it a thought. All of us deserve the choice to raise our hands up and shout I give up, at least once in our life.

22 March 2011

Adieu!

She always thought of herself as a very strong person.

That day, when she stepped into Her room she knew she could not stay. She felt fear, felt her strength slipping. She glanced at Her and could only see Her eyes amidst the masks and the tubes. Those eyes which captivated everyone, those eyes that she feared as a child, the same eyes that spoke to her the past five days when there were no words. 

She went out and said that she wouldn't stay the night. He was displeased though he took care to not say anything. She felt she was betraying Her but she could not help it. She could not watch Her go. And, she knew that it was time for Her to leave.

On the way back she was quiet. She was trying to dig images from the past and replace it with what she saw now. It was difficult. She could only see Her in that room now with the vacant, helpless look in Her eyes. 

She was almost home when his phone rang and she knew. She didn't wait to hear the details, just quietly slipped to her room. She dug her hands in her pocket to fish out a cigarette when she remembered that this is his home and she cannot smoke here. She again tried to erase those images of Her. She needed them to go away. Those just could not be Her picture in her memories.

She heard screams. People had come and were crying and talking at the same time. She wanted to shut them out. After sometime she heard that they had brought Her home. How? She has left. People came to meet her. They asked her to cry. It helps, some said.  She hugged someone and cried. But it didn't help. They now wanted her to go and see Her. She screamed and shouted that she didn't want to. They said she would regret it. She was sure she wouldn't. She didn't want to mar that picture in her memory any further. No one heard her pleas; they dragged her. 

She barely glanced at Her and rushed to her room. She could hear them take Her away. She walked to that terrace from where She had waved her a bye a thousand times. This time it was her turn to wave, that too for the last time.

8 February 2011

Impasse.

She wants to know where she she stands. Will this wait last forever? Does she have to wait all her life?

He says that he is helpless. He is trying is the best consolation that he has to offer.

She is chained. Neither can she walk away nor can can she walk with him.

He asks her to decide.

Why is the ball in her court, she wonders.

He does not have any answers.

She wants all of it to end. She wants to be normal with him again. She wants to have that child.

He remains silent.

Silence is not always golden, she whispers.

4 February 2011

She wants to know what lies ahead.

He says that there is no fun if one knew what lies ahead.

She does not want the fun. She wants this uncertainty to end.

He says that nothing is certain.

She feels trapped, a noose around her neck.

He sighs. "I am trying", he says.

She wants to know for how long?

He says as long as it takes. He is an optimist.

She feels that he is not an optimist, just a fool.

3 June 2008

Just an update

Mood: Melancholy

Song am listening to: November Rain/Gin soaked boy

Thinking: If I did the right thing

Missing: The cocoon

Reading: Pride and Prejudice (for the nth time)

Hoping: That I don't end up messing up again and for the rains

Aching for: A trip to the hills/beach

Hating: The spendthrift me, procrastination and the inability to write anything meaningful

Asking: The same question again and again

Dreaming: A walk on the beach/Possessing a nice phoneFeel like killing: All the Mosquitoes of the world

Wearing: Denim shorts and white spaghetti top

Happy about: The coming weekend :) and my new hair style

Sad about: That it won't last for long

Craving for: Some real shopping

Irritated with: Someone for being very, very stupid and dumb

Praying: For Nothing

:) :) :)

23 May 2008

Bee and Tee

A rainy/sunny day. Conversation with self. To avoid confusion, the two me’s are called Bee and Tee.
Bee: La la la, dee, dee, dum.
Tee: happy, huh.
Bee: I am, so
Tee: like you have a reason to, who are you fooling?
Bee: eh, moron, I do not need a reason, I am just happy.
Tee: see who the moron here is. Anyways, am getting bored.
Bee: nothing new, with an attention span that is shorter than Rakhi Sawant’s clothes, what is to be expected?
Tee: Come on, its just that my creative bent of mind is not easily satiated.
Bee: You have a mind, I thought the two of us were part of one. I mean we are the same.
Tee: Well this is what I mean. My creative mind has a mind of its own and wants to wander and not just spend the rest of her life by being a part of someone’s mind.
Bee: blob la bucj kajs kitch (sounds not understood by anyone else)
Tee: Whateva!!! Let’s have a real conversation, that might kill my boredom. What are your aspirations?
Bee: uhhh, hmmm, hhhhh (after all kinds of sounds that suggest extreme brooding) None.
Tee: (choking with laughter) You are worse than dead shit, man. I for sure have some aspirations. I want to wear a red dress and seduce that Mr. Sandandingdang. Oh, what fun. Ah, I can just imagine the look on his face, the starry eyes and the look of hunger.
Bee: Eeeow!!! Your aspiration in life is to seduce the biggest dimwit. What is wrong with you?
Tee: Nothing is wrong with me. You never heard the entire thing. Well, I am gonna seduce him and then he gets near me I’d just walk off… I can again see his expression. That will be fun. I can even hear the curses. I love being a woman.
Bee: that definitely sounds better, but not qualitative enough.
Tee: What is qualitative for you is plain boring for me. So, buzz off… Where is my cigarette.
Buzzzz…. Buzzzzzzzz….