Clocks

Ya, well, whatever... this is a rather interesting tag that is doing the rounds. I was getting really bored so I did it (though I wasn't tagged :P). I like tags and this was quite an interesting and strange tag. And, rather psychic too...

The rules are:

1. Put your MP3 player on shuffle
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. You must write the name of the song no matter what. No cheating!

IF SOMEONE SAYS “IS THIS OKAY?” YOU SAY?
With a little help from my friends - Joe Cocker (Well, hmmm)

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
Late Goodbye - Poets of the Fall (Really?????)

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Hungry Eyes - OST Dirty Dancing (fell of the bed laughing...)

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
On the road again - Metallica (This is psychic indeed)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE’S PURPOSE?
Stairway to Heaven - Led Zep (This is getting weird man...)

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
I don't wanna miss a thing - Aerosmith (Some black magic involved, that I am sure of)

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Minority - Greenday (eh, ????)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR PARENTS?
Starry starry night - Don McClean (Can't stop laughing again, wonder what would what they have to say)

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Endless Love - Luther Vandross (Thats it, I am gonna get choked as I seriously can't stop laughing)

WHAT IS 2+2?
I'm with you - Avril Lavigne (hmmm, I wish!!!)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Yaaron - KK (Nothing could be closer to the truth)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Enter Sandman - Metallica (Considering a particular event, I would say quite apt)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
You and I - Scorpion (Just stare at my music player and the computer screen)

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Rape me - Nirvana (This time out of words, syllables, expressions)

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Used to - Chris Daughtry (Man, is this like a mind reader or something)

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
How Long - Hinder (ha ha ha ha ha)

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
All that Jazz - OST Chicago (Not bad, what do you say??)

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Wake Up - Cafu (I am dead and please realise that)

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Asking for it - Nirvana (Asking for what I wonder)

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Bliss - Hinder (*blank*)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Anywhere - Evanescence (yeah, he he)

WHAT SHOULD YOU POST THIS AS?
Clocks - Coldplay (Time, I say!!!)

Now you know why I called it strange and psychic. It was fun as well. I tag all of you who actually read this... :P

Best New Year Wish

This is the time of the year when good wishes come from every corner... Sng however managed to excel in it and her new year wish is what I consider the best..


"Stay away from losers this year. lotsa love"


Something that I need to register on my mind if I have to make 2008 a better, looser free year.


Thanks Sng, I love you...

The task of naming this post is pending III

5:30 a.m. Damn, I am late. Adi’s flight is supposed to land in an hour and I just woke up. I need to rush; the only comfort is that I will not have to face the traffic. I should be able to make it to the airport in 45 minutes. I am jumping red lights now, and my only hope is the laziness of the police officers. I hope there aren’t any on the streets now as I do not want to be fined. I finally make it to the airport on time. I crane my neck to try and find Adi among the sea of people. No sight of her. After what seems like an age, I finally spot her. Dressed in classic blue denims and a white jacket, Adi as usual manages to steal everyone’s attention. Her black eyes complemented her thick black mane which was left open. She looked confident like a woman with a perfectly balanced head on top of her shoulders. And then, suddenly she sees me; her eyes twinkling with excitement. I scream her name and as usual she gives me a reproachful look. Adi hates excessive public displays of emotion (excessive?). My sister, Adrika, is back. I wonder if there could be a better timing.

My mind is filled with questions. We both are quiet. I think when there is a lot to talk about, one doesn’t know where to start from and this leads to an awkward silence. Adi breaks the ice. “So, how have you been?”

“Good, how about you?”, I replied.

“Hmm, I am great. What about Ma and Baapi? It has been long that you haven’t visited home. In fact Ma was complaining that it seems that you do not care enough”

“Adi you know that this is not the case. It is just that I have been busy with… mmm… this and that”

“And, just what exactly is your ‘this and that’.”

“You have just landed; we’ve not even reached home. I shall tell you everything or at least that what I can translate to words. There are myriad things that cannot be expressed with words. I want you to understand what it was like, how it felt, I shall at least try. There we’ve reached home, let’s just go and relax now.”

I close the topic then with such finality that Adrika is taken aback.

It is almost dark, the two of us enjoying our prolonged siesta when the doorbell rings. It has to be Rohit I tell myself. I was wrong, it’s Udant.

“How are you?” Cool, calm and composed, his eyes expressionless, cold, almost lifeless.

I fumble and just manage a squeaky “Am ok”.

“Won’t you even ask me inside?”

I want to shout at him, right then and there. How can you be so confident, calm? I am jealous of you Udant. Is it that it doesn’t matter to you at all? All I managed to say was “I’m sorry, come in.”

“How have you been?’

“All right, how was I supposed to be?”

“Why do you always have to answer a question with a question?”

“Why do you always ask me such questions the answer to which lies in another question?”

He just smiles. I am seeing him after a year. There is a strange loneliness in his eyes, they are empty. Is it my Udant, I wonder. For what seemed to me like an age, neither of us speak anything. We just stare at each other hungrily swallowing all that we could. My mind is full of questions, anger, hurt… It’s like a big cauldron of every kind of feeling that a human experiences in the course of his life. Why is he here? Udant finally breaks the silence.

“You must be wondering why I am here. Well, I was cleaning my apartment and I found something of yours that I had to return. I mailed you but never got any response. I did not have your number and this was the only way I could contact you. Trust me Amo, had there been any other way, I would not be here. I know it’s not easy for you. Damn it, do you think it’s easy for me?”

It was your choice Udant, then why are you complaining, I tell myself, hoping that he heard my unspoken words.

The expression on his face said that he had heard me. Strange, he still has the power to read everything that goes on inside my head.

“I had come to give you this.” And he took out a red diary from his bag. I could not believe that he still has it. It’s the only thing that I had ever given Udant in 3 years, rather, he took it from me by force. I remember that evening so clearly, infact I remember all the evenings, days, nights so clearly. My RED DIARY. “Amodita in words” is how he had described it.

“Thank you; I had thought that I had lost it.”

“I will never let you loose anything, Amo.”

Liar, after taking away everything that I had you say that you will not let me loose anything. An empty stare is all that I could manage.

“Good bye, Amo. Take care of yourself. Only you know how precious you are”

“Bye”. And I watch him leave. Is this the last time that I saw him? I am too numb to think anything. I just stare at the diary… “Amodita, in words”.

“Who was it?” I am woken from my thoughts by Adi. “And, why are you crying?” Crying? Am I really crying? I feel my cheeks, they are moist; I was crying.

“Udant. It was Udant”.

“Why did you not wake me up? And, will you please tell me Amo what has happened? I know that something has terribly gone wrong and I have every right to know. So, please tell me.”

“Adi, just give me some time. Its not simple and you have to promise me that you will not be judgmental. What had to happen has happened and nothing can change it and I do not want to change it. I do not regret that it happened.”

“Hmm. You have my word. Take your time but make sure that it’s not the end of eternity.”

“My dear sister that was a paradox. Eternity means endless, how can it then have an end?”

“I don’t want to get into the PROPAH use of words here, my dear kid sister. I think I have conveyed my message and I think you have understood pretty well. By the way, I have to go to meet Prof. Iyer now. He is leaving for Colombo tomorrow and there are some books that I have to give him. Will you come with me?”

“Na, you can take my car if you want. I intend to be home.”

Adi left and I am alone with the diary in my hand. I do not have the courage to open it, to wake up all the memories. But the urge to read it again overshadowed the fear and I finally opened it.

List I

I like making lists. Most of these lists are on my mind and I never really jot them down. This is an attempt to actually jot down lists on my mind.



10 things I hate about muself:



I am lazy. I do not need to say anything further.
I trust people a little too easily. Effect: Don’t even ask?
I am inconsistent and moody.
I crib a lot usually for the most arbid and useless things (persons as well).
I have no control over myself when it comes to junk food, coffee and dance.
I make resolutions and I break them. Either I should stop making them or I should stick to them.
My expectations from people are at times a little too high, so in most cases I end up disappointed. I need to check that, hmm.
I am not very good at expressing whats on my mind and heart.
I am disorganised.
My attention span is too short.


Hmm, so these were the 10 things that I really dislike about myself. Now, 10 things that I hate about others.



People who are Judgemental
People who take me for granted
People who do not respond to my sms/calls
Hypocrites
Opportunists
Chauvinists and pseudo feminists
People who think they are doing mankind a good deed by just being on this planet.
People who stink.
Rascists and fundamentalists


Somehow, cannot think of the 10th thing that I hate about others.

I feel so alone :(

Hurricane Weekend

This weekend was what I call a hurricane weekend. Alcohol reigned supreme and I loved it. I was in the la la land (was??? Guess, I still am). Hmm, so here's what I did.

Friday: It was my colleague, Sd's birthday. He and 5 women decided to party and man, what a party. Sd couldn't stop saying that he felt like a king among 5 women. We headed to a pub/disc (am not sure which category the place fell into). The place was playing all the "love" numbers and we were getting drunk and irritated. After repeated requests the DJ finally plays the hip shaking numbers and whoa we danced, danced like nobody is watching. One of my friends was more concerned about managing my saree rather than dancing.. hee hee, thanx Sh, I Love you. With 7 drinks down, I was high and happy. The party got over at 11 and my friend S had come to pick me up. Poor S, he's somehow always there when I am "high"... We went to CCD after that as I needed a caffeine shot to sober down. The immediate effect of the "sobering down" was that I was hungry. We head for parathas to the good old Moolchand parathawala (ya ya the same one which claims to be Shahrukh's fav paratha joint). Hunger dies once I reach there, so we just had chai. It was midnight then. We walked all the way from Moolchand to Sapna Cinema all in search of an ATM. We didn't find any but it was a nice walk, esp. when we crossed college. Boy, I was nostalgic. Finally took an auto and came back home. S came in too and we hit on a mission of finding all the Mithunda nad Rajnikanth movies in the net. It was hilarious. S decided to go back home at 4:30a.m. All in all, a great Friday.

Saturday: Hardly slept considering that S went at 4:30 and I had to go to work. Office was quite nice. We had Christmas celebrations. A group had come and they sang carols as we joined them. Oh, I decorated the Christmas tree and I must say I did a good job. Carols and cakes and Christmas tree...quite nice. I was scheduled to meet a friend, so headed for Priya after work. (I had the Santa Cap and Snd found it funny. So what, I liked it. Went to the usual place, Opus, and ordered the good old rum and hot water and chicken chatpata and more rum and hot water and chicken wings. My dear friend, St joined us and it was nice. They played good music like "Poets of the Fall", "The Doors", "Divine Comedy", etc. And then, the catastrophe, the Bill. Yea, we discovered that we were short by 1000. I sobered down in seconds. Damn. Rushed to the nearest cash machine, took the money and payed the Bill. Went for a drive after that and then back home.

Sunday: Woke up late as in really late. Convinced (read Bribed) my lazy but sweetest friend R to come to the cafe near my place. I was in a mood to dress up. And, I did dress up, all pretty and feminine. Coffee and conversation.... Perfect. R was as sweet as ever. I just love you. Some time later we were joined by the other sweetheart St. Apparently she had a surprise. And, what a surprise. She had a new guitar. And she sang and as usual was brilliant. Just then, got a message that Soulmate would be playing live at Haze. WE HAD TO GO. But, no money. Somehow managed the cash and went there. They were fantabulous. Tipriti has a great voice. We just had the money to order one beer and one drink. But, lady luck was with us. R met some old friends and they treated us to beer. And then the wonderful announcement "Next drink on the house". We ordered the expensive drinks this time. There was a group of some 40+ men there and I started a conversation with one of them. He was quite surprised that people of our age listened to Janice Joplin. We talked about the chances of a blues festival in Delhi and this and that. I danced with him. It was nice. Great music, great company and great drinks. We left the place at 1:30. R's friends decided to drop us and I was home by 2. A wonderful Sunday.

Monday: Wait a sec, Monday is not a part of the weekend. But, whatever, I had a good time so I shall write about it. St and I were quite stubborn on the fact that we had to go for the midnight mass. So she comes to my place at 10 a.m. with momos and chicken rolls. We hogged on the food and next came the "dressing up" part. Ok, so we were all dressed up and set to go. But we had no money (sigh, thats the usual thing). We dropped the church part as we did not have the money to pay double auto fare. Sigh, again. Rather, Grrr. Yes. So we just went to Opus. yeah, I am quite loyal even when it comes to restaurants and pubs. We enter Opus and tuck!!! the heel of my shoe comes off. I tell you, what luck!!! St and I head for the washroom. We tried fixing it but failed, so just took the other heel off. It was quite fine from then on. We had beer. Finally I went up to the DJ and asked him to play Christmas songs... Jingle bells, Merry Christmas. We danced a bit. The manager treated us all to Plum cake which was yum. We left that place at 12:30 and I was back home by 1. (Thank God, tomorrow is a chutti)...

So, it was one of the "bestest weekends". Man, I wish all my weekends were this great!!!
Wishful thinking... I know...

P.S. Merry Christmas to you all.

The task of naming this post is pending PART II

Contd....

The gayatri mantra wakes me up. A new day, fresh start, like I always tell myself. I reached office at 9:30. Not bad, Amodita. You made it on time. Ragini, the receptionist and the chatterbox of the office gives me a huge smile. She is getting married next month and she is happy. I wonder if she is also scared. I take my seat and open my mailbox. The usual mails, but wait, one name pops out and it blurs everything else. Is it real? I recheck it; yes it is a mail from him. Why? After a year, now, when I have been trying to bury his existence inside my soul. I open it; It's just a "hello, how are you?" just that. It's so typical of him, writing a hello so casually like I just had a cup of coffee or a drink with him last week. I am already fighting a battle inside me; each day is a new fight. Why does he have to make it harder? Do I reply him? I decided against it. I don't want to wake up the ghosts of the past. One mail would lead to another and things would come back to exactly what it was. I drift back to the past again. I remember the first time he mailed me.

"Hi,

Took some time to write this mail. I just saw you again today. It's strange that we have been working in the same building yet I never noticed you before and now that I have, you seem to come in front of my eyes everywhere; the lobby, the elevator, cafeteria, etc. I hope I am not sounding like someone from the soppy daily soaps. Heaven knows, that's absolutely what I am not (at least I prefer to believe so).

BTW, I mailed to ask you are you ok with the idea of having a cup of coffee with me.

Regards,

Udant.

P.S. Red looks good on you. J"

It was that simple, just like the mail today. "BTW, coffee?" I still think what made me accept his offer, but I just did and never regretted it. My life is like an intricate web where the past and the present are entwined and somewhere I fail to distinguish between the two.

I was brooding when Ragini calls me to remind me about the presentation. God bless her, I had completely forgotten that I had to make this presentation. I am currently working on an ad for a well known NGO and I am entrusted with the responsibility of creating their Independence Day campaign. I am quite happy with my work but, my dear even they need to like it. I head for the presentation. After half an hour, all I could hear was people clapping. Yes, they did like it. I deserve a treat and I shall treat myself to chicken lasagna.

Rene Descartes said " Cogito, ergo sum" (Translated: "I think, therefore I am") and Plato said "I am, therefore I think" and Amodita says "I dream, therefore I am". I was again dreaming when Rohit without any knock (not that I really expect him to do so) barged into my cabin and woke me from my reverie. Now, Rohit is someone who is the perfect "prince in a white horse" of every girl's dream and he is my best friend. And I am so proud of it. I enjoy the jealous stares of the girls when we walk together or when we go out shopping. He is handsome, intelligent, has a great sense of humor, has the best collection of books, CDs and DVDs and drives a vintage Volkswagen. I love him. And I pity him as he bears the brunt of all my excessive, strange and not-so-nice mood swings. I bully him, fight with him, make apple pies for him and help him shop (which, I think is the most tedious job on earth, even more stressing than making an ad for an underwear brand starring an actor and a sportsman). I met Rohit 5 years back and from day one I knew that he was the friend that I was looking for my entire life. He wants to take me out drinking tonight. No, he's not being generous. He wants to get drunk and only Amodita is allowed to drive his car, so when he gets drunk and cannot drive, I have to be around, so that I can safely drive him back home. Hmm, there goes my lasagna (sigh). He also advises me not to dress like a toad. As if.

Rohit and I had a great time. Fosters beer, old monk with coke and French fries and all of that in our usual place. The DJ is playing his latest collection, which is basically an assortment of the latest Bollywood, Bhangra and Hip Hop. There, I have to dance now, they are playing the Beedi song and I dance, dance like no one's watching. Rohit says that this song somehow puts me in a strange kind of trance. We drink a little more and I dance a lot more. And, Rohit is drunk and happy, happier more because I have "chosen to not look like a toad". Happy and high we decide to go for a drive. Rohit again for the nth time asks me why we can't be a couple. "Amo, we are just perfect, we know each other so well, we are so alike, and I love you, have been in love with you for ages. Why don't you at least give it a try? It may work out." I just smile. I have told him so many times that it cannot happen that now when he says it, it's like a monologue. I have stopped arguing and I have stopped explaining. Somewhere, I also feel guilty because I know that he loves me and he is a gem of a person. But, I guess being with him as his woman would just be an act and that would eventually hurt him and that's the last thing I want. But my dear friend fails to understand this and whenever he is drunk he starts it all over again. So, now my weapon is to IGNORE, and that's precisely what I am doing now.

I just dropped Rohit back and now I am home, lying on my bed. I am quite happy with myself today. I managed without marijuana though in spite of the promise to myself had liver burning drinks. And, I didn't think much about him. There, why did I have to remind myself that I didn't think about him? There he invades my thoughts again. I hate myself. Well, where is the marijuana?? Why did he mail me? Is it his way to redeem me? Or is it his way of punishing me? But, punishment for what? I never asked for anything, nor did I ask for anything other than his presence. Was it too much to ask for? I had thought that possessing his heart, soul and body yet not having him was the most painful thing, I was so wrong. Not having him at all is so much more painful. Sleep eludes me now. I walk to the terrace, the same one where we spent countless nights naming the stars and then trying to find them the next night, the same terrace where we made love under the skies in the cold December night wrapped in the warm Korean blanket that Baapi had gifted me, the same terrace where he bid me adieu. So many memories, even the air smells of him. The swing on the terrace takes me to the first night that he had been here. I remember how he described me on the swing, “like someone who wants to mate with the night and become a part of it, someone who wants to be swallowed by the night”… Tears roll down my eyes, but I do not know what is it that I am crying for. Is it you or your memories or your absence or for all of these? Gosh, I need to wipe out these thoughts. Moreover, I have to go to the airport. Adi, my Adi is coming. Adrika is my other self, my elder sister. Although we are sisters we are a world apart. Sometimes I feel that I live in dreams and she in reality and together we create a self. I like the idea of love, she likes romance. I like the quiet of the mountains she likes the hustle bustle of the beach, I like red and she likes blue. I am Baapi’s girl and she is Ma’s child. And the thought of Adi brings back my smile. I will be meeting Adi after a year; so much to tell, so much to share. Adi doesn’t know much about Udant. I mean how was I supposed to fill her with all the details when she was living in another continent. How could I tell her that when Udant touched me, I felt that I was touched by some strange force and I swayed with him to a wilderness that existed only in my dreams? Oh, Adi, I have so much to tell you.

I am thinking...

So close, no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
and nothing else matters

Never opened myself this way
Life is ours, we live it our way
All these words I don't just say
and nothing else matters

Trust I seek and I find in you
Every day for us something new
Open mind for a different view
and nothing else matters

never cared for what they do
never cared for what they know
but I know

So close, no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
and nothing else matters

never cared for what they do
never cared for what they know
but I know

Never opened myself this way
Life is ours, we live it our way
All these words I don't just say

Trust I seek and I find in you
Every day for us, something new
Open mind for a different view
and nothing else matters

never cared for what they say
never cared for games they play
never cared for what they do
never cared for what they know
and I know

So close, no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
No, nothing else matters

A fresh start: Is it too much to ask for??

The task of naming this post is pending :)

The light seems to be fading and darkness slowly creeps in. No, I won't switch on the lights. I like this semi darkness. The street lights illuminate the room slightly. I can see the part of the painting on my wall and somehow the face of the girl seems sadder. I do not know whether it's the light which is doing it or is it that I am trying to see myself in that face. I shift my eyes away from it; it seems to haunt me. I light a joint, yes I want to get high; the strange one where I feel that I am flying. I take a puff and slowly breathe out the smoke. The smoke forms tiny patterns before it fades away. Scenes from the past are enacted in front of my eyes; the same faces, the same emotions, the same things. Every night it's the same. The past unfolds reminding me of what I am or perhaps, of what I am not. It has been more than a year now. Yet, why does it feel so real, so fresh? Why does it feel like the sharp sting of the bee? No, STOP AMODITA, YOU CANNOT START IT ALL OVER AGAIN, I shout at myself like I shout at myself every day. It feels strange that I have been named Amodita. Of all the names, my parents had to choose Amodita which means Happiness. I guess they had their reasons; they wanted their daughter to be one. But, today, it's feels like an irony to me. Happiness, that's my name. I laugh again, at myself, my name and everything around me.

U2 song "with or without you" wakes me up from my thoughts and I realize that my phone's ringing. Ma calling. Hmm, a long list of accusations now as I did not call her up for 2 days. I answer her call and she starts it "you do not care for us; you do not need us, etc." and it goes on for some time. Finally she asks with all her motherly concern how I am. I smile, it feels nice. I talk to her for sometime or rather I listen to her as she goes on and on about happenings back home. I reluctantly get up and switch on the lights, its 9 o'clock, high time for me to prepare something to eat. Bread and butter should do. I eat the modest meal and retire to bed. Something is missing, yes music. Pink Floyd; listening to him has become some kind of a prayer ritual, like a Muslim prays five times a day, I have to listen to him at least once. I light up another cigarette. Again, the images from the past are in front of my eyes.

2 years back: I am in a pair of denims and a bright red kurta. I am happy; I just bought 2 new kurtas and 3 books, I am suddenly interested in Quantum Physics, so I went ahead and bought works of Stephen Hawkins. Lost in my own thoughts I got on to the elevator. There was just this other man in the elevator. He had the most "do not mess with me, serious, boring" face that I had ever seen. Arrogant man, huh. As, I stepped out, he called me. I was a little surprised; I turned and realized that I was leaving my carry bag of kurtas behind. I thanked him and left.

Stop it, Amodita. It is gone, it is not there anymore, I shout at myself again. Is it that easy to wipe away everything that's made me what I am? I guess not. With questions like this on my mind, I fell asleep