A Potpourri

Lost and Found

2012-01-30T12:37:00.001+05:30

Mr. Sen was not in the best of his moods. There were people everywhere, in every corner of the house. He did not even know the name of half the people sitting around him. But then, he was never good with names. He looked at Ena and thought how old and haggard she looked. He smiled remembering their last meeting. It was 46 years ago. Well, he was older too. And people said that he was senile. What did people know?

Tanima looked at her Grand Uncle. She was afraid yet attracted to him. Her mother had warned her to stay away from Bododadu. He is mad is what her mother had told her. As Tanima stared at him she tried to find traces of the madness but all she saw was an old man with many, many wrinkles. She felt an intense urge to go close to him and count the wrinkles, touch them. He stared back and smiled at her. Tanima shuddered and hid her face in her mother's pallu. No one in the room noticed this exchange.

That little girl looks like Ena when she was younger, must be Ena's grand daughter, Mr. Sen thought to himself. He instantly liked her. Finally, someone in this house who is worth liking, he smiled. Just then, Jhumur asked him his opinion. Mr. Sen realised that they were in the middle of some discussion which he clearly had missed. He just shrugged. Jhumur looked happy and said that all was settled now. The others felt relieved too.

"Is Bododadu mad?" Tanima asked her Thakuma.

Ena was startled. "Of course not, who told you that?"

"Ma." Tanima was happy. She knew her Thakuma could never be wrong.

"Tell me more about Bododadu."

"Your Bododadu was my cousin and my best friend. We grew up in this house and were inseparable. Our friendship alienated us from all our cousins, for them the fact that we never fought made us weird. Today, I think they were jealous."

"Why does Ma not let me go near him? Why does Ma call him mad?"

"He chose to live life on his terms, it made a lot of people unhappy and hostile. They never understood him and so they branded him mad".

"But why were others not happy with him? Why did they want him to be like them? Ma and Babu are different but they don't call each other mad?"

"You are too young to understand it little girl. But know this, Bododadu is not mad. In fact, he is the smartest of all."

****************

Mr. Sen was listening to old records when Ena knocked at his door.

"Since when do you need to knock?"

"It is a long time, you know. 46 years."

"I know. But have I changed? No, not for you." He smiled.

"Are you still angry with me?"

"I was. For a very long time, I hated to even hear your name. Perhaps that is why I never replied to any of your letters. But, age also gives you wisdom along with these wrinkles. I am not angry anymore. I understand why you did it."

"I have cursed myself so many times for not having the courage to listen to you. Life could have been so different."

"Don't complain Ena. You have done quite good. Tanima, isn't she your granddaughter? She is pretty, looks like you."

"Yes, she is. Quite a handful. She was asking me the other day if you are mad."

"So, what did you tell her? That Bododadu is the maddest mad". He smiled.

"No. I said that you are brave and smart."

"Pfff. All lies. Do not feed lies into a small girl's head. I was mad. I have always been mad, reckless and see where I am today."

"I wanted to speak to you about that. Why did you agree to sell the house?"

"Sell the house? Who wants to do that? I never agreed."

"Oh Chayan, you will never change. Jhumur asked you at the breakfast table and you said yes."

"So that was what he asked. He he. They want to sell the house. Good."

"You will let them sell this house? This is where we grew up, this is where you spent your life."

"Ena, this house is too big for me. I cannot look after it. It makes more sense."

"You have grown wiser."

"You mean old."

"Yes, we all are. But you are wiser too. So where will you go?"

"I have a small house in the hills. Have never told any of these mongrels. He he. I am smart that way. Will go there, do some gardening, read and wait for death. What about you?"

"Not such a wonderful life. I am the football, passed around my children once every 3 - 4 months. No one likes an old lady."

"Why don't you come and stay with me? It would be more comfortable for you."

"What would they say?"

"Ena, do you still care? You have already given them everything. You deserve to spend the last few years of your life your way."

**********************

Everyone was assembled at the living room. Ena had called them. There were murmurs in the room.

"I have called everyone here today as I have decided something for myself and I wish to communicate the same to you all."

Jhumur, his wife; Anita and her husband, Deb and his wife all looked perplexed. Everyone hoped that this was not about the house. They had already finalized the buyer and had made plans for the money that they would get. Mr. Sen sat in a corner and smiled at Ena.

"This is not about the house if that is what you are thinking."

There was a collective sigh of relief in the room.

"This is about me, my life. I think I have been a good wife and a mother. Your father is no more and you all have families and lives of your own. I am just a liability."

Jhumur, Anita, Deb all muttered small words of protest.

Ena dismissed them with a wave. "I know and it does not really hurt me. You all are young and have different priorities. So, I have decided that I will be with someone who actually wants me. I will marry Chayan, your Uncle."

Ena's words were met with a pin drop silence. And, then the outrage.

"How can you do this to us?" cried Jhumur and his wife.

"What will we tell others?" screamed Deb

Anita sat with her hands in her head and cried.

"I have decided. I am not seeking your permission. I am just informing." said Ena and left the room. Mr. Sen slowly followed her.

***********************

Tanima sneaked into Ena's room. Her mother would beat her if she got caught. But Tanima had to speak to her Thakuma.

"Thakuma, why is everyone so angry with you? Ma has asked me not to talk to you. Bulbul, Tina and Rumon also say bad things about you and Bododadu."

"They will say such things, my dear. DO not pay any heed".

"But, why? I do not like when people say bad things about you."

"I and Bododadu are getting married. So, they are angry with us."

"But aren't marriages happy occassions? When Ranididi got married everyone was so happy. Ma even danced. Why aren't they happy now?"

"Because we are old. Old people do not marry. Also, we are cousins."

"Why can't old people get married? Because you will not look pretty as a bride."

"Ha ha. No, my dear. Well you see there are some rules made by people and we have to follow these rules. Getting married at this age that too to a cousin is going against such rules and so everyone is angry."

"Who made this rules? Why do we need to follow them? When I grow up I will not follow any rules. I will be like you, do what I want to do."

"Do not let your ma hear you say all this or both of us will be in a lot of trouble. run now before she catches you here."

*************************

Somewhere in the hills a month later

"So, finally after waiting for 72 years, I get to wake up next to you."

"Is that why you never got married Chayan?"

"Why else do you think. I could accept and adjust to everything else. But not waking up next to someone other than you."

She smiled. So did he.

To Chennai Auto Bhaiyya, With Love!

2012-01-27T14:29:00.000+05:30

Dear Chennai Auto Bhaiyya (Sorry, I do not know the Tamil of Bhaiyya!)

Vanakkam!

First, let me thank you for making my one day visit to Chennai a most memorable one!

You, my dear, are a rare species. I have lived in three Indian cities (Shillong, Delhi and Bangalore) and have travelled by autos in numerous other cities but nowhere have I met anyone who even closely resembles you. Anyone who cribs to be me about the condition of autos in other cities, I have one word for them - You haven't yet seen the Chennai ones. You redefine the words rude, obnoxious and EXPENSIVE. Whoever said that Delhi is a con man's city is yet to meet you, my friend!

I had to travel from Point A to point B and the distance was around 15kms. I thought I would be penny wise and take an auto instead of a cab. That was one of the worst decisions of my life. I stepped out in the morning and started the hunt for autos. One gentleman offered to take me to my destination for 1100/-. I though that was his idea of a practical joke. Only, 15 minutes later and after asking around 10 more autos, I realised that it wasn't one. I used my negotiation skills and finally found an auto which took me to my destination for a whooping 550/-.

When I complained to my Chennai friends they politely told me that it was the norm for a North Indian. Now, I have half the mind to sue all the travel websites that forget to include this one major point while giving details about Chennai - While visiting Chennai ensure that you know your Tamil, else be prepared to be mocked, ridiculed and robbed.

Auto Bhaiiya, please realise that Tamil is not yet a compulsory subject in school in other parts of India. I am also no linguist. So, my not knowing the language does not entitle you to rob me in broad daylight. Also, why don't you all take some geography lessons? Anyone who is not from the four Southern States does not automatically become a North Indian. There are two other directions also, you know, like West and East. Trust me a Mumbaikar or a Bengali may actually bash you up someday because they dislike being North Indians as much as you hate North Indians, if not more. I also wanted to ask you one question, why do you dislike Non South Indians so much? Next time, I will get a Google Translator and pose that question to you. I really, really want to know the answer to that.

Although, I really wanted to like Chennai and come back again, you have ensured that it does not happen. I was not able to take happy memories with me when I left Chennai. Tourism eventually will help you and your attitude does a lot to hamper that. I hope that someday you realize this.

Yours Faithfully,
Non South Indian Friend!

Do as I say or face the wrath!

2012-01-25T11:00:00.000+05:30

If I need a mob to protect my God; I had rather not have a God.

The past few days the country was embroiled in a debate - a debate on free speech. Salman Rushdie had to cancel his visit to Jaipur Lit Fest because some bigots felt that his coming to the country hurt the sentiments of the Muslims. Worse, his presence via video link could not happen for fear of riots. This, in spite of the fact that he has visited the country numerous times after the publication and banning of his book Satanic Verses and even attended the fest in the past.

It is obvious to every lay man that it is a politicized move ahead of the polls. But, for me, the larger question here is why do we always bend to this minority who hold the country to ransom. The book may have hurt the sentiments of a few and it is banned. I wouldn't even debate that here. But barring the person from coming to the country is unjust and unconstitutional. What we fail to comprehend here is that the book and not the author is banned. Some may say that you cannot separate the two. And those who are screaming the loudest against it are most certainly the one's who haven't read even a page of the book. That in itself is a scary. The book is a fiction and fiction is a work that deals with events that are not factual.

We seem to have become a country where all the ideas on which the nation was built is getting lost in this fight to get more votes. Freedom of speech is the foundation for a democracy and a democracy which fails to uphold it is surely a failure. Today, our democracy seems like a farce. If the Rushdie incident was an isolated one, I wouldn't be that worried. But this has been happening again and again and again. James Laine's book on Shivaji was banned. Although the Supreme Court lifted the ban, the book still remains unpublished. M F Hussain had to spend his last years in a foreign country and even take the citizenship of another country. A K Ramanujan's essay was dropped from DU BA Syllabus largely due to pressure from right wing organizations. It has happened before and it will happen again.

Are our religious faith so shallow that one printed word or a painting affects it. We all have the right to have our opinions and we also have the right to choose to believe someone else's opinion or not. Curbing these voices will not take us anywhere. If I believe in something, my belief should be strong enough to not let someone else's view hamper it. I have a right to debate. I have a right to hate. But I do not have the right to take someone else's freedom.

We rather have a non super power India where we have a voice than go the China way and become a superpower and yet not have the right to chose how many kids I want to have.

I still have faith in this country and I still think it is not too late. But, it will be, very soon unless we wake up.

To work or not

2012-01-24T14:59:00.001+05:30

If feminism is about having the choice to work shouldn't it also be having the choice to not work? Today, I fear, we women who work do not really have the choice to give it all up. Gone are those days when we would never think twice before asking our husbands to get us a sari or depend on our husbands to take care of us. In a Bengali wedding there is a custom where the groom promises that he would feed, clothe the bride. Today, it is just a custom. A man wants a woman who earns. Lifestyles have changed, wants have become needs and everyone is in a race to impress. A four wheeler will not do, it has to be sedan or an SUV; a 2 bedroom flat is too small for two people, we need a 3 bedroom apartment; Same dress to two parties, absolutely NOT!

So, these are the days that we live in and it becomes almost impossible to sustain on one person's income. But, what if a woman does not want to be a part of this race, what if she wants to get up in the morning, cook for her family, rest in the afternoon, read more books, write and not rush to an office in the morning and work? Why is she not given that choice? And, same goes for the man. If he is not in a state of mind to work he should have the choice to quit, let the wife take care of the expenses then. My point is we do not really have that choice anymore. And, it is annoying. Day in and day out a lot of us spend 8 hours doing something that we do not like at all yet we have to.

Give it a thought. All of us deserve the choice to raise our hands up and shout I give up, at least once in our life.

2012-01-09T12:19:00.000+05:30

I had stopped writing. Well, not writing but blogging. Mostly because I am an extremely lazy person and it is too much of a task for me to log on to the account and post something. I usually scribble on whatever is around me. But, I have decided to change this among a lot many other things that I plan to change. No, it is not because I want to give a glimpse of my oh - so - entertaining life to the world because frankly there are too many blogs and you do not want to know what is going on with another random person's life.

I decided to blog again for primarily two reasons. One, I need to work on my laziness. Period.

Second, and more importantly, I realized that the memory is not as good as it used to be. This realization dawned on me the other day when I was going through some old chats and discovered, to my horror, that I do not remember a lot of things that have happened to me. And, they are significant. Yes, I am getting old and there is so much that the brain can hold. So, blogging seems like a good way of keeping an account of things that happen around me, my thoughts and opinions.

I am not sure that I will be able to execute it. There is the hope, though. And what are we without our hopes.

Adieu!

2011-03-22T14:05:00.000+05:30

She always thought of herself as a very strong person.

That day, when she stepped into Her room she knew she could not stay. She felt fear, felt her strength slipping. She glanced at Her and could only see Her eyes amidst the masks and the tubes. Those eyes which captivated everyone, those eyes that she feared as a child, the same eyes that spoke to her the past five days when there were no words.

She went out and said that she wouldn't stay the night. He was displeased though he took care to not say anything. She felt she was betraying Her but she could not help it. She could not watch Her go. And, she knew that it was time for Her to leave.

On the way back she was quiet. She was trying to dig images from the past and replace it with what she saw now. It was difficult. She could only see Her in that room now with the vacant, helpless look in Her eyes.

She was almost home when his phone rang and she knew. She didn't wait to hear the details, just quietly slipped to her room. She dug her hands in her pocket to fish out a cigarette when she remembered that this is his home and she cannot smoke here. She again tried to erase those images of Her. She needed them to go away. Those just could not be Her picture in her memories.

She heard screams. People had come and were crying and talking at the same time. She wanted to shut them out. After sometime she heard that they had brought Her home. How? She has left. People came to meet her. They asked her to cry. It helps, some said. She hugged someone and cried. But it didn't help. They now wanted her to go and see Her. She screamed and shouted that she didn't want to. They said she would regret it. She was sure she wouldn't. She didn't want to mar that picture in her memory any further. No one heard her pleas; they dragged her.

She barely glanced at Her and rushed to her room. She could hear them take Her away. She walked to that terrace from where She had waved her a bye a thousand times. This time it was her turn to wave, that too for the last time.

2011-03-18T11:04:00.001+05:30

27 is not a nice number.

2011-02-08T12:59:00.003+05:30

Impasse.

She wants to know where she she stands. Will this wait last forever? Does she have to wait all her life?

He says that he is helpless. He is trying is the best consolation that he has to offer.

She is chained. Neither can she walk away nor can can she walk with him.

He asks her to decide.

Why is the ball in her court, she wonders.

He does not have any answers.

She wants all of it to end. She wants to be normal with him again. She wants to have that child.

He remains silent.

Silence is not always golden, she whispers.

2011-02-04T12:11:00.002+05:30

She wants to know what lies ahead.

He says that there is no fun if one knew what lies ahead.

She does not want the fun. She wants this uncertainty to end.

He says that nothing is certain.

She feels trapped, a noose around her neck.

He sighs. "I am trying", he says.

She wants to know for how long?

He says as long as it takes. He is an optimist.

She feels that he is not an optimist, just a fool.

A long, long time

2011-01-27T15:35:00.003+05:30

Three years is a long time. A different city, a different life and a different me. .

Blogging is such an easy and wonderful way to realize how one has changed over the years.

I want to write again. And few years down the line read the posts and discover that I have changed, yet again.

2008-06-03T22:32:00.001+05:30

Will you take me amidst the clouds and let me fly high, high and high?

Just an update

2008-06-03T22:10:00.005+05:30

Mood: Melancholy

Song am listening to: November Rain/Gin soaked boy

Thinking: If I did the right thing

Missing: The cocoon

Reading: Pride and Prejudice (for the nth time)

Hoping: That I don't end up messing up again and for the rains

Aching for: A trip to the hills/beach

Hating: The spendthrift me, procrastination and the inability to write anything meaningful

Asking: The same question again and again

Dreaming: A walk on the beach/Possessing a nice phoneFeel like killing: All the Mosquitoes of the world

Wearing: Denim shorts and white spaghetti top

Happy about: The coming weekend :) and my new hair style

Sad about: That it won't last for long

Craving for: Some real shopping

Irritated with: Someone for being very, very stupid and dumb

Praying: For Nothing

:) :) :)

I like

2008-05-28T20:17:00.003+05:30

I like....

the pitter patter rain drops on a tin roof...
black, white and red...
lying down on my bed and reading...
driving from Shillong to Cherrapunjee amidst the clouds...
talking and smiling to myself...
belgian chocolate ice cream...
the fragrance of fresh flowers in my room...
dreaming and dreaming and dreaming...
savouring good food...
the roads in Delhi...
the phuchkas in Calcutta...
the winter chills and the snow...
sitting on a beach in the middle of the night...
reminiscing the times gone by...
the hills...
when Papa messages me "Dennis the Menace" jokes...
playing with kids...
writing escalation mails at work...
being a woman...
travelling with just a backpack...
sitting on my bean bag and blogging...
my eyes...
dancing till I drop...
gazing at the stars...
google...
laughing out loud...
etc, etc...

Bee and Tee

2008-05-23T21:38:00.003+05:30

A rainy/sunny day. Conversation with self. To avoid confusion, the two me’s are called Bee and Tee.

Bee: La la la, dee, dee, dum.

Tee: happy, huh.

Bee: I am, so

Tee: like you have a reason to, who are you fooling?

Bee: eh, moron, I do not need a reason, I am just happy.

Tee: see who the moron here is. Anyways, am getting bored.

Bee: nothing new, with an attention span that is shorter than Rakhi Sawant’s clothes, what is to be expected?

Tee: Come on, its just that my creative bent of mind is not easily satiated.

Bee: You have a mind, I thought the two of us were part of one. I mean we are the same.

Tee: Well this is what I mean. My creative mind has a mind of its own and wants to wander and not just spend the rest of her life by being a part of someone’s mind.

Bee: blob la bucj kajs kitch (sounds not understood by anyone else)

Tee: Whateva!!! Let’s have a real conversation, that might kill my boredom. What are your aspirations?

Bee: uhhh, hmmm, hhhhh (after all kinds of sounds that suggest extreme brooding) None.

Tee: (choking with laughter) You are worse than dead shit, man. I for sure have some aspirations. I want to wear a red dress and seduce that Mr. Sandandingdang. Oh, what fun. Ah, I can just imagine the look on his face, the starry eyes and the look of hunger.

Bee: Eeeow!!! Your aspiration in life is to seduce the biggest dimwit. What is wrong with you?

Tee: Nothing is wrong with me. You never heard the entire thing. Well, I am gonna seduce him and then he gets near me I’d just walk off… I can again see his expression. That will be fun. I can even hear the curses. I love being a woman.

Bee: that definitely sounds better, but not qualitative enough.

Tee: What is qualitative for you is plain boring for me. So, buzz off… Where is my cigarette.

Buzzzz…. Buzzzzzzzz….

Horoscope???? ya again...

2008-05-07T01:37:00.003+05:30

To update on the previous post:

The entire day passed... And was nowhere close to sex....

Now I know why Mom always says never to trust horoscopes...

DAMN!!!!!!!!!!!

;)

Horoscope... Really????

2008-05-06T13:53:00.000+05:30

My horoscope for the day: you will have casual sex with a friend. Do not forget to use protection.

I stare and stare and stare at the monitor and then laugh inside my mind (er, am at office and can’t laugh out loud). I do not think I have anything more to write on this.

Extract from the diary

2008-04-16T16:23:00.004+05:30

5th April

Dear Diary,

Long time, huh!!! I did speak to you all tese years but ya, absolutely informal ones, a one word here and a one word there. As you know, life has been pretty screwed up. One of the most obvious reasons is my financial state. But for a change I will not ramble about it though heaven knows I have more than enough justifiable reasons to ramble and brrod and ponder over it.

The other persistent problem remains the stupid heart of mine, Agh. (I actually sighed after penning this sentence). You see I am confused about what I want. I mean I am single and I quite like my singledom. But, you know, there are times when I feel lonely and lost. And also, I need a lotttttttttt of pampering and that can't really happen if I am single. And this is not resolvable because GOOD men are just not there. Even if they are there they have done an exceptionally remarkable job of remaining invisible. *sigh* *sigh*

Lets just switch from problems to good things. The one thing that I am happy about currently is WORK. I finally have work to do and I am loving it. I have learnt more in the past 2 months than I have learnt in the past 2 years.

P.S. I read and re read it and am trying to make sense. Did I make any???

Happy Birthday to me!!!

2008-03-14T13:36:00.001+05:30

I turned 24 yesterday. A day of mixed feelings. Birthday makes me happy as it is my special day. The best part is receiving calls from everyone. I get to talk to so many people and in case of some it’s perhaps the only day that I talk to. But I was also kinda sad. The realization that I am becoming older is not a really happy one. Responsibilities that come with aging are something that I am not really good at coping with. Also, the past year has been very, very hectic. Too many bad and some good things have happened. Recollecting all of those and hoping for a better year was high on my to do list for my birthday.

P was obviously the first person to wish me followed by my M, my parents and a host of other people. Got beautiful kurta and bouquet and lots of chocolates. Wasn’t really expecting all of these. Treated the office people (and myself) to pizza from Pizza Hut. I had no plans for the evening. Was dragged to a party by San, Db and Kn. We went to Blues, had beer and Australian chicken strips (wonder if the chicken is imported from Australia, and if not wonder what is so Australian about it). Blues is one place where we can be counted as regulars. The DJ knows my taste so when he got to know that its my birthday he wished me and played most of my favourite songs (Indian Ocean, Metallica, Poets of the Fall, Pearl Jam and finally Iron Maiden and Dreamtheater). It was bliss, I tell you. The table next to us was occupied by a group of guys who seemed quite nice. They wished me and I got talking to one of them. Discovered that he was a drummer and is a photographer. Good combination, isn’t it??? Hmmm. Left from the place around 10 and was home by 11.

A friend had organized a small dinner for me. Now for that I needed to sneak out of my house. At 12, I sneaked out of my house, went to his place and had amazing dinner. Stayed over at his place and spent the night watching TV and listening to music and fooling around. Came back this morning at 6:30 a.m. slept for an hour and then finally got back to the mundane things of life like getting dressed and coming to work and blogging from office (though this is one mundane task that I enjoy, *wink*)

Lost and Bitten

2008-03-06T12:20:00.001+05:30

This incident dates back to 1997 when I was in class 8. My school firmly believed in “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy (in our case Jill a dull girl as well)”. School was fun and it became even more fun when we were promoted to class 8 as now we belonged to the senior league and that meant we could be a part of the school excursions. It was the month of April and the school planned on a weekend trip to a place called Siju in Meghalaya. Siju has two main attractions: one was the cave which if I am not wrong is the most researched cave in India. It was done by a team from Calcutta Museum led by Kemp & Chopra in as early as 1922. They did extensive research on cave life up to 1200 meters. And the other attraction is the sanctuary. We set off for Siju early in the morning. Our first stop was the state guest house where we were staying. We had our breakfast there and then left for the cave. We had taken 2 guides with us. The “strict” dress code was denims, canvas and a cap to prevent the contamination of our precious little heads from the bat droppings. We were also asked to carry torches as it was very dark inside. We were at the mouth of the cave and were instructed to form a line with one hand on the shoulder of the person in front. We set off and as we walked further the water level kept rising and it was getting darker. Finding our way on our own is almost an impossible task there as the cave is full of tunnels, some unexplored. So we had to take every caution to be with the group. It was not that easy considering the darkness and also that the water level was above our waist. The cave was also uneven with stalactites and stalagmites. We also got to see some lovely fossils. A, a friend of mine and I were very excited when we saw the stalactites and the stalagmites and also the fossils on the rocks. We were debating on a particular fossil when we realized, to our horror, that we were the only ones there. We had lost our group. One can imagine what two fourteen year olds went through when were lost in a cave that was pitch dark, full of bats and water that almost reached our faces. To make matters worse there were 3 tunnels in front of us. For about five minutes neither of us spoke anything after which we shouted in unison that we were lost. A suggested that we try out one of the tunnels. I just told him that this was the perhaps the most ridiculous thing that he had ever said (and even till date, after numerous ridiculous comments, suggestions from him, I still think this is definitely the most ridiculous thing that he has ever said). Tension took its toll on us and we quietly agreed that it was the end of our lives so we might as well have a “happy” time before dying. We were so melodramatic. We remembered our parents, relatives, friends and even the enemies. We thanked everyone and forgave our enemies. A and I recollected all the times that we had spent with each other and said our sorries and thanks. We then realized that we wouldn’t die instantly, it would take some time or in fact days for us to die. And we started secretly hoping that we would be rescued. A was contemplating on the mission of finding a way out, hoping that he would emerge as the local hero, rescuing a damsel in distress. He stretched his imagination to the extent that he dreamt of receiving the Bravery Award from the President. (He admitted all of these many months later). I, being the smarter one, suddenly realized that we were not the last in the group and that there were people behind us who would definitely be returning. I told this to A and he seemed a little disappointed. Later I realized that the reason was that all his dreams of being the savior and the hero were dashed to the woods. After what seemed an age we heard voices and we were so relieved. From the distant we could see light and then A spotted one of our friends followed by a huge group. Our principal was also there and he wasn’t quite sure what we were doing. We explained everything and the shock and the relief in everyone’s faces was a little too obvious. We found our way out and reached the guest house safe and sound. (Till date out parents have no clue about this incident).

The evening was spent around a bonfire and I must say that A and I received royal treatment. You all would think that was the end of mishaps. Sadly, no. and the second mishap wasn’t even interesting. The next day we left at 6 a.m. for the sanctuary with the hopes of spotting tigers and elephants. We again had instructions to follow. This time to protect ourselves from the leeches. Eat lots of cucumber and carry salt wrapped in cloth. Armed with our weapons we left for the sanctuary. We were expecting to find a few leeches but never realized that we had an ARMY of leeches to defend ourselves from. And it was becoming increasingly difficult to ward them off, they fell from the trees, they crept in from the grounds, they were just there everywhere and they knew how to find their way into our bodies. Also we were not so lucky in spotting the tigers and the elephants. All I could manage to find was elephant dung, some snakes and strange insects. After about half an hour I was tired and irritated (by this time I had already bravely fought with about 10 leeches), so I and a few of my friends decided to head back to the guest house and rest there. We reached the guest house and had our breakfast. The rest of the group joined us. We were to leave in some hours. We went to our rooms to change and freshen up. I took off my jeans and to my horror a huge leech came out. The girls shrieked and the guys who were in the next room rushed to our rescue led by A (A finally came to the rescue of the damsel in distress; pity the President did not recognize his efforts).. The girls were in bare minimum clothes so we all took different course to cover ourselves or hide. Some rushed to the bathroom, some hid in cupboards and the rest of us climbed on the bed and covered ourselves with the blanket. A tried to kill the leech but I must tell you that it was fighter. Even when its head was separated from the rest of the body it kept on struggling for life. Finally, A had to crush it. What a sight, the carpet was smeared with blood and I couldn’t stop crying when I saw that so much of my precious blood was wasted. Once again, involuntarily, I took on the role of the royal princess. Medical attention was immediately given; in fact I was given all kinds of attention. We left in some time and the journey back was brilliant.

Later I did my research on leeches and discovered that I was bitten by a tiger leech. The damn thing sucked my blood for some 3 hours and my leg bled for more than 24 hours. I finally had to take injections to stop the bleeding. But I had no regrets. It was a great trip, one that remains on my mind as one of the fondest memories from school days.

Married to a Fruit

2008-03-04T13:29:00.001+05:30

I was in class 9. One of my classmates (I think her name was Karuna, though I am not very sure) was absent for 2 days. On her return she said that she had missed school because she got married. Yes, married!!! To say that I was shocked would be an understatement. The first sentence that came out of me was “but it’s illegal, your parents will be jailed”. (I was not really diplomatic and careful with words). She smiled and that just confused me more. I guess she was enjoying every bit of it. Finally she decided to reveal the details. Thank god. And the details shocked me further to the extent that it took me close to 5 or 6 years to believe her. She said that she got married to a “bael” fruit (Wood Apple). I am sure you can imagine how strange it sounded to a 14 year old girl, the age where one is at one’s rational and idealistic best. I just told her that it was a very, very stupid joke. Now it was her turn to get serious. In fact, now that I think of it, I did annoy her. She reiterated that according to the local customs she is supposed to wed a bael. I was still skeptical, but I kept it to myself.

I grew up and with age as one forgets a lot of things I forgot about this incident as well till one day when I came across an article on Nepal. I am a quite an internet person as in I love doing random search on the net. That particular day Nepal was my chosen topic and I was trying to dig information on the country, its customs, religion, etc. This is how I stumbled upon a small article that a particular community in Nepal had a ritual of marrying off little girls to a fruit. It captured my interest and I started searching for more details on the same. The custom is followed by the Newar community. It is known as Eehi in the local language (Betrothal to a bael). A young girl (usually between the age of 8 to 12 years) is married to a bael fruit. The wedding ceremony is just like a Hindu wedding (with the yagna and vermillion smearing), the only difference being that here the groom is an inanimate object. This symbolic marriage, however, do not stop a Newar girl to take a “human” husband in the later course of her life. The most interesting part is, however, that if she preserves the bael she can never be widowed. She can end her marriage with the Human husband by giving him back the areca nuts that she received at the time of the wedding. In case of the death of her husband she can place these nuts against hi dead body, thus freeing herself from the marriage and the customary mourning. This would leave her free to remarry.

Quite an interesting custom, I must say. And beneficial for the Newar women as well. Pity, the Newar boy enjoys no such privilege.

P.S. The current Kumari retired early and it is said the early retirement happened so that she could be a part of this custom

Clocks

2008-01-19T17:48:00.001+05:30

Ya, well, whatever... this is a rather interesting tag that is doing the rounds. I was getting really bored so I did it (though I wasn't tagged :P). I like tags and this was quite an interesting and strange tag. And, rather psychic too...

The rules are:

Put your MP3 player on shuffle
For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
You must write the name of the song no matter what. No cheating!

IF SOMEONE SAYS “IS THIS OKAY?” YOU SAY?
With a little help from my friends - Joe Cocker (Well, hmmm)

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
Late Goodbye - Poets of the Fall (Really?????)

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Hungry Eyes - OST Dirty Dancing (fell of the bed laughing...)

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
On the road again - Metallica (This is psychic indeed)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE’S PURPOSE?
Stairway to Heaven - Led Zep (This is getting weird man...)

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
I don't wanna miss a thing - Aerosmith (Some black magic involved, that I am sure of)

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Minority - Greenday (eh, ????)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR PARENTS?
Starry starry night - Don McClean (Can't stop laughing again, wonder what would what they have to say)

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Endless Love - Luther Vandross (Thats it, I am gonna get choked as I seriously can't stop laughing)

WHAT IS 2+2?
I'm with you - Avril Lavigne (hmmm, I wish!!!)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Yaaron - KK (Nothing could be closer to the truth)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Enter Sandman - Metallica (Considering a particular event, I would say quite apt)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
You and I - Scorpion (Just stare at my music player and the computer screen)

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Rape me - Nirvana (This time out of words, syllables, expressions)

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Used to - Chris Daughtry (Man, is this like a mind reader or something)

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
How Long - Hinder (ha ha ha ha ha)

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
All that Jazz - OST Chicago (Not bad, what do you say??)

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Wake Up - Cafu (I am dead and please realise that)

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Asking for it - Nirvana (Asking for what I wonder)

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Bliss - Hinder (*blank*)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Anywhere - Evanescence (yeah, he he)

WHAT SHOULD YOU POST THIS AS?
Clocks - Coldplay (Time, I say!!!)

Now you know why I called it strange and psychic. It was fun as well. I tag all of you who actually read this... :P

Best New Year Wish

2008-01-07T16:06:00.000+05:30

This is the time of the year when good wishes come from every corner... Sng however managed to excel in it and her new year wish is what I consider the best..

"Stay away from losers this year. lotsa love"

Something that I need to register on my mind if I have to make 2008 a better, looser free year.

Thanks Sng, I love you...

The task of naming this post is pending III

2008-01-07T16:01:00.000+05:30

5:30 a.m. Damn, I am late. Adi’s flight is supposed to land in an hour and I just woke up. I need to rush; the only comfort is that I will not have to face the traffic. I should be able to make it to the airport in 45 minutes. I am jumping red lights now, and my only hope is the laziness of the police officers. I hope there aren’t any on the streets now as I do not want to be fined. I finally make it to the airport on time. I crane my neck to try and find Adi among the sea of people. No sight of her. After what seems like an age, I finally spot her. Dressed in classic blue denims and a white jacket, Adi as usual manages to steal everyone’s attention. Her black eyes complemented her thick black mane which was left open. She looked confident like a woman with a perfectly balanced head on top of her shoulders. And then, suddenly she sees me; her eyes twinkling with excitement. I scream her name and as usual she gives me a reproachful look. Adi hates excessive public displays of emotion (excessive?). My sister, Adrika, is back. I wonder if there could be a better timing.

My mind is filled with questions. We both are quiet. I think when there is a lot to talk about, one doesn’t know where to start from and this leads to an awkward silence. Adi breaks the ice. “So, how have you been?”

“Good, how about you?”, I replied.

“Hmm, I am great. What about Ma and Baapi? It has been long that you haven’t visited home. In fact Ma was complaining that it seems that you do not care enough”

“Adi you know that this is not the case. It is just that I have been busy with… mmm… this and that”

“And, just what exactly is your ‘this and that’.”

“You have just landed; we’ve not even reached home. I shall tell you everything or at least that what I can translate to words. There are myriad things that cannot be expressed with words. I want you to understand what it was like, how it felt, I shall at least try. There we’ve reached home, let’s just go and relax now.”

I close the topic then with such finality that Adrika is taken aback.

It is almost dark, the two of us enjoying our prolonged siesta when the doorbell rings. It has to be Rohit I tell myself. I was wrong, it’s Udant.

“How are you?” Cool, calm and composed, his eyes expressionless, cold, almost lifeless.

I fumble and just manage a squeaky “Am ok”.

“Won’t you even ask me inside?”

I want to shout at him, right then and there. How can you be so confident, calm? I am jealous of you Udant. Is it that it doesn’t matter to you at all? All I managed to say was “I’m sorry, come in.”

“How have you been?’

“All right, how was I supposed to be?”

“Why do you always have to answer a question with a question?”

“Why do you always ask me such questions the answer to which lies in another question?”

He just smiles. I am seeing him after a year. There is a strange loneliness in his eyes, they are empty. Is it my Udant, I wonder. For what seemed to me like an age, neither of us speak anything. We just stare at each other hungrily swallowing all that we could. My mind is full of questions, anger, hurt… It’s like a big cauldron of every kind of feeling that a human experiences in the course of his life. Why is he here? Udant finally breaks the silence.

“You must be wondering why I am here. Well, I was cleaning my apartment and I found something of yours that I had to return. I mailed you but never got any response. I did not have your number and this was the only way I could contact you. Trust me Amo, had there been any other way, I would not be here. I know it’s not easy for you. Damn it, do you think it’s easy for me?”

It was your choice Udant, then why are you complaining, I tell myself, hoping that he heard my unspoken words.

The expression on his face said that he had heard me. Strange, he still has the power to read everything that goes on inside my head.

“I had come to give you this.” And he took out a red diary from his bag. I could not believe that he still has it. It’s the only thing that I had ever given Udant in 3 years, rather, he took it from me by force. I remember that evening so clearly, infact I remember all the evenings, days, nights so clearly. My RED DIARY. “Amodita in words” is how he had described it.

“Thank you; I had thought that I had lost it.”

“I will never let you loose anything, Amo.”

Liar, after taking away everything that I had you say that you will not let me loose anything. An empty stare is all that I could manage.

“Good bye, Amo. Take care of yourself. Only you know how precious you are”

“Bye”. And I watch him leave. Is this the last time that I saw him? I am too numb to think anything. I just stare at the diary… “Amodita, in words”.

“Who was it?” I am woken from my thoughts by Adi. “And, why are you crying?” Crying? Am I really crying? I feel my cheeks, they are moist; I was crying.

“Udant. It was Udant”.

“Why did you not wake me up? And, will you please tell me Amo what has happened? I know that something has terribly gone wrong and I have every right to know. So, please tell me.”

“Adi, just give me some time. Its not simple and you have to promise me that you will not be judgmental. What had to happen has happened and nothing can change it and I do not want to change it. I do not regret that it happened.”

“Hmm. You have my word. Take your time but make sure that it’s not the end of eternity.”

“My dear sister that was a paradox. Eternity means endless, how can it then have an end?”

“I don’t want to get into the PROPAH use of words here, my dear kid sister. I think I have conveyed my message and I think you have understood pretty well. By the way, I have to go to meet Prof. Iyer now. He is leaving for Colombo tomorrow and there are some books that I have to give him. Will you come with me?”

“Na, you can take my car if you want. I intend to be home.”

Adi left and I am alone with the diary in my hand. I do not have the courage to open it, to wake up all the memories. But the urge to read it again overshadowed the fear and I finally opened it.

List I

2007-12-31T11:08:00.001+05:30

I like making lists. Most of these lists are on my mind and I never really jot them down. This is an attempt to actually jot down lists on my mind.

10 things I hate about muself:

I am lazy. I do not need to say anything further.
I trust people a little too easily. Effect: Don’t even ask?
I am inconsistent and moody.
I crib a lot usually for the most arbid and useless things (persons as well).
I have no control over myself when it comes to junk food, coffee and dance.
I make resolutions and I break them. Either I should stop making them or I should stick to them.
My expectations from people are at times a little too high, so in most cases I end up disappointed. I need to check that, hmm.
I am not very good at expressing whats on my mind and heart.
I am disorganised.
My attention span is too short.

Hmm, so these were the 10 things that I really dislike about myself. Now, 10 things that I hate about others.

People who are Judgemental
People who take me for granted
People who do not respond to my sms/calls
Hypocrites
Opportunists
Chauvinists and pseudo feminists
People who think they are doing mankind a good deed by just being on this planet.
People who stink.
Rascists and fundamentalists

Somehow, cannot think of the 10th thing that I hate about others.

2007-12-25T17:51:00.000+05:30

I feel so alone :(

Hurricane Weekend

2007-12-25T10:42:00.000+05:30

This weekend was what I call a hurricane weekend. Alcohol reigned supreme and I loved it. I was in the la la land (was??? Guess, I still am). Hmm, so here's what I did.

Friday: It was my colleague, Sd's birthday. He and 5 women decided to party and man, what a party. Sd couldn't stop saying that he felt like a king among 5 women. We headed to a pub/disc (am not sure which category the place fell into). The place was playing all the "love" numbers and we were getting drunk and irritated. After repeated requests the DJ finally plays the hip shaking numbers and whoa we danced, danced like nobody is watching. One of my friends was more concerned about managing my saree rather than dancing.. hee hee, thanx Sh, I Love you. With 7 drinks down, I was high and happy. The party got over at 11 and my friend S had come to pick me up. Poor S, he's somehow always there when I am "high"... We went to CCD after that as I needed a caffeine shot to sober down. The immediate effect of the "sobering down" was that I was hungry. We head for parathas to the good old Moolchand parathawala (ya ya the same one which claims to be Shahrukh's fav paratha joint). Hunger dies once I reach there, so we just had chai. It was midnight then. We walked all the way from Moolchand to Sapna Cinema all in search of an ATM. We didn't find any but it was a nice walk, esp. when we crossed college. Boy, I was nostalgic. Finally took an auto and came back home. S came in too and we hit on a mission of finding all the Mithunda nad Rajnikanth movies in the net. It was hilarious. S decided to go back home at 4:30a.m. All in all, a great Friday.

Saturday: Hardly slept considering that S went at 4:30 and I had to go to work. Office was quite nice. We had Christmas celebrations. A group had come and they sang carols as we joined them. Oh, I decorated the Christmas tree and I must say I did a good job. Carols and cakes and Christmas tree...quite nice. I was scheduled to meet a friend, so headed for Priya after work. (I had the Santa Cap and Snd found it funny. So what, I liked it. Went to the usual place, Opus, and ordered the good old rum and hot water and chicken chatpata and more rum and hot water and chicken wings. My dear friend, St joined us and it was nice. They played good music like "Poets of the Fall", "The Doors", "Divine Comedy", etc. And then, the catastrophe, the Bill. Yea, we discovered that we were short by 1000. I sobered down in seconds. Damn. Rushed to the nearest cash machine, took the money and payed the Bill. Went for a drive after that and then back home.

Sunday: Woke up late as in really late. Convinced (read Bribed) my lazy but sweetest friend R to come to the cafe near my place. I was in a mood to dress up. And, I did dress up, all pretty and feminine. Coffee and conversation.... Perfect. R was as sweet as ever. I just love you. Some time later we were joined by the other sweetheart St. Apparently she had a surprise. And, what a surprise. She had a new guitar. And she sang and as usual was brilliant. Just then, got a message that Soulmate would be playing live at Haze. WE HAD TO GO. But, no money. Somehow managed the cash and went there. They were fantabulous. Tipriti has a great voice. We just had the money to order one beer and one drink. But, lady luck was with us. R met some old friends and they treated us to beer. And then the wonderful announcement "Next drink on the house". We ordered the expensive drinks this time. There was a group of some 40+ men there and I started a conversation with one of them. He was quite surprised that people of our age listened to Janice Joplin. We talked about the chances of a blues festival in Delhi and this and that. I danced with him. It was nice. Great music, great company and great drinks. We left the place at 1:30. R's friends decided to drop us and I was home by 2. A wonderful Sunday.

Monday: Wait a sec, Monday is not a part of the weekend. But, whatever, I had a good time so I shall write about it. St and I were quite stubborn on the fact that we had to go for the midnight mass. So she comes to my place at 10 a.m. with momos and chicken rolls. We hogged on the food and next came the "dressing up" part. Ok, so we were all dressed up and set to go. But we had no money (sigh, thats the usual thing). We dropped the church part as we did not have the money to pay double auto fare. Sigh, again. Rather, Grrr. Yes. So we just went to Opus. yeah, I am quite loyal even when it comes to restaurants and pubs. We enter Opus and tuck!!! the heel of my shoe comes off. I tell you, what luck!!! St and I head for the washroom. We tried fixing it but failed, so just took the other heel off. It was quite fine from then on. We had beer. Finally I went up to the DJ and asked him to play Christmas songs... Jingle bells, Merry Christmas. We danced a bit. The manager treated us all to Plum cake which was yum. We left that place at 12:30 and I was back home by 1. (Thank God, tomorrow is a chutti)...

So, it was one of the "bestest weekends". Man, I wish all my weekends were this great!!!
Wishful thinking... I know...

P.S. Merry Christmas to you all.

The task of naming this post is pending PART II

2007-12-19T22:27:00.000+05:30

Contd....

The gayatri mantra wakes me up. A new day, fresh start, like I always tell myself. I reached office at 9:30. Not bad, Amodita. You made it on time. Ragini, the receptionist and the chatterbox of the office gives me a huge smile. She is getting married next month and she is happy. I wonder if she is also scared. I take my seat and open my mailbox. The usual mails, but wait, one name pops out and it blurs everything else. Is it real? I recheck it; yes it is a mail from him. Why? After a year, now, when I have been trying to bury his existence inside my soul. I open it; It's just a "hello, how are you?" just that. It's so typical of him, writing a hello so casually like I just had a cup of coffee or a drink with him last week. I am already fighting a battle inside me; each day is a new fight. Why does he have to make it harder? Do I reply him? I decided against it. I don't want to wake up the ghosts of the past. One mail would lead to another and things would come back to exactly what it was. I drift back to the past again. I remember the first time he mailed me.

"Hi,

Took some time to write this mail. I just saw you again today. It's strange that we have been working in the same building yet I never noticed you before and now that I have, you seem to come in front of my eyes everywhere; the lobby, the elevator, cafeteria, etc. I hope I am not sounding like someone from the soppy daily soaps. Heaven knows, that's absolutely what I am not (at least I prefer to believe so).

BTW, I mailed to ask you are you ok with the idea of having a cup of coffee with me.

Regards,

Udant.

P.S. Red looks good on you. J"

It was that simple, just like the mail today. "BTW, coffee?" I still think what made me accept his offer, but I just did and never regretted it. My life is like an intricate web where the past and the present are entwined and somewhere I fail to distinguish between the two.

I was brooding when Ragini calls me to remind me about the presentation. God bless her, I had completely forgotten that I had to make this presentation. I am currently working on an ad for a well known NGO and I am entrusted with the responsibility of creating their Independence Day campaign. I am quite happy with my work but, my dear even they need to like it. I head for the presentation. After half an hour, all I could hear was people clapping. Yes, they did like it. I deserve a treat and I shall treat myself to chicken lasagna.

Rene Descartes said " Cogito, ergo sum" (Translated: "I think, therefore I am") and Plato said "I am, therefore I think" and Amodita says "I dream, therefore I am". I was again dreaming when Rohit without any knock (not that I really expect him to do so) barged into my cabin and woke me from my reverie. Now, Rohit is someone who is the perfect "prince in a white horse" of every girl's dream and he is my best friend. And I am so proud of it. I enjoy the jealous stares of the girls when we walk together or when we go out shopping. He is handsome, intelligent, has a great sense of humor, has the best collection of books, CDs and DVDs and drives a vintage Volkswagen. I love him. And I pity him as he bears the brunt of all my excessive, strange and not-so-nice mood swings. I bully him, fight with him, make apple pies for him and help him shop (which, I think is the most tedious job on earth, even more stressing than making an ad for an underwear brand starring an actor and a sportsman). I met Rohit 5 years back and from day one I knew that he was the friend that I was looking for my entire life. He wants to take me out drinking tonight. No, he's not being generous. He wants to get drunk and only Amodita is allowed to drive his car, so when he gets drunk and cannot drive, I have to be around, so that I can safely drive him back home. Hmm, there goes my lasagna (sigh). He also advises me not to dress like a toad. As if.

Rohit and I had a great time. Fosters beer, old monk with coke and French fries and all of that in our usual place. The DJ is playing his latest collection, which is basically an assortment of the latest Bollywood, Bhangra and Hip Hop. There, I have to dance now, they are playing the Beedi song and I dance, dance like no one's watching. Rohit says that this song somehow puts me in a strange kind of trance. We drink a little more and I dance a lot more. And, Rohit is drunk and happy, happier more because I have "chosen to not look like a toad". Happy and high we decide to go for a drive. Rohit again for the nth time asks me why we can't be a couple. "Amo, we are just perfect, we know each other so well, we are so alike, and I love you, have been in love with you for ages. Why don't you at least give it a try? It may work out." I just smile. I have told him so many times that it cannot happen that now when he says it, it's like a monologue. I have stopped arguing and I have stopped explaining. Somewhere, I also feel guilty because I know that he loves me and he is a gem of a person. But, I guess being with him as his woman would just be an act and that would eventually hurt him and that's the last thing I want. But my dear friend fails to understand this and whenever he is drunk he starts it all over again. So, now my weapon is to IGNORE, and that's precisely what I am doing now.

I just dropped Rohit back and now I am home, lying on my bed. I am quite happy with myself today. I managed without marijuana though in spite of the promise to myself had liver burning drinks. And, I didn't think much about him. There, why did I have to remind myself that I didn't think about him? There he invades my thoughts again. I hate myself. Well, where is the marijuana?? Why did he mail me? Is it his way to redeem me? Or is it his way of punishing me? But, punishment for what? I never asked for anything, nor did I ask for anything other than his presence. Was it too much to ask for? I had thought that possessing his heart, soul and body yet not having him was the most painful thing, I was so wrong. Not having him at all is so much more painful. Sleep eludes me now. I walk to the terrace, the same one where we spent countless nights naming the stars and then trying to find them the next night, the same terrace where we made love under the skies in the cold December night wrapped in the warm Korean blanket that Baapi had gifted me, the same terrace where he bid me adieu. So many memories, even the air smells of him. The swing on the terrace takes me to the first night that he had been here. I remember how he described me on the swing, “like someone who wants to mate with the night and become a part of it, someone who wants to be swallowed by the night”… Tears roll down my eyes, but I do not know what is it that I am crying for. Is it you or your memories or your absence or for all of these? Gosh, I need to wipe out these thoughts. Moreover, I have to go to the airport. Adi, my Adi is coming. Adrika is my other self, my elder sister. Although we are sisters we are a world apart. Sometimes I feel that I live in dreams and she in reality and together we create a self. I like the idea of love, she likes romance. I like the quiet of the mountains she likes the hustle bustle of the beach, I like red and she likes blue. I am Baapi’s girl and she is Ma’s child. And the thought of Adi brings back my smile. I will be meeting Adi after a year; so much to tell, so much to share. Adi doesn’t know much about Udant. I mean how was I supposed to fill her with all the details when she was living in another continent. How could I tell her that when Udant touched me, I felt that I was touched by some strange force and I swayed with him to a wilderness that existed only in my dreams? Oh, Adi, I have so much to tell you.

I am thinking...

2007-12-18T19:49:00.000+05:30

So close, no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
and nothing else matters

Never opened myself this way
Life is ours, we live it our way
All these words I don't just say
and nothing else matters

Trust I seek and I find in you
Every day for us something new
Open mind for a different view
and nothing else matters

never cared for what they do
never cared for what they know
but I know

So close, no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
and nothing else matters

never cared for what they do
never cared for what they know
but I know

Never opened myself this way
Life is ours, we live it our way
All these words I don't just say

Trust I seek and I find in you
Every day for us, something new
Open mind for a different view
and nothing else matters

never cared for what they say
never cared for games they play
never cared for what they do
never cared for what they know
and I know

So close, no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
No, nothing else matters

2007-12-10T21:21:00.000+05:30

A fresh start: Is it too much to ask for??

The task of naming this post is pending :)

2007-11-02T00:04:00.000+05:30

The light seems to be fading and darkness slowly creeps in. No, I won't switch on the lights. I like this semi darkness. The street lights illuminate the room slightly. I can see the part of the painting on my wall and somehow the face of the girl seems sadder. I do not know whether it's the light which is doing it or is it that I am trying to see myself in that face. I shift my eyes away from it; it seems to haunt me. I light a joint, yes I want to get high; the strange one where I feel that I am flying. I take a puff and slowly breathe out the smoke. The smoke forms tiny patterns before it fades away. Scenes from the past are enacted in front of my eyes; the same faces, the same emotions, the same things. Every night it's the same. The past unfolds reminding me of what I am or perhaps, of what I am not. It has been more than a year now. Yet, why does it feel so real, so fresh? Why does it feel like the sharp sting of the bee? No, STOP AMODITA, YOU CANNOT START IT ALL OVER AGAIN, I shout at myself like I shout at myself every day. It feels strange that I have been named Amodita. Of all the names, my parents had to choose Amodita which means Happiness. I guess they had their reasons; they wanted their daughter to be one. But, today, it's feels like an irony to me. Happiness, that's my name. I laugh again, at myself, my name and everything around me.

U2 song "with or without you" wakes me up from my thoughts and I realize that my phone's ringing. Ma calling. Hmm, a long list of accusations now as I did not call her up for 2 days. I answer her call and she starts it "you do not care for us; you do not need us, etc." and it goes on for some time. Finally she asks with all her motherly concern how I am. I smile, it feels nice. I talk to her for sometime or rather I listen to her as she goes on and on about happenings back home. I reluctantly get up and switch on the lights, its 9 o'clock, high time for me to prepare something to eat. Bread and butter should do. I eat the modest meal and retire to bed. Something is missing, yes music. Pink Floyd; listening to him has become some kind of a prayer ritual, like a Muslim prays five times a day, I have to listen to him at least once. I light up another cigarette. Again, the images from the past are in front of my eyes.

2 years back: I am in a pair of denims and a bright red kurta. I am happy; I just bought 2 new kurtas and 3 books, I am suddenly interested in Quantum Physics, so I went ahead and bought works of Stephen Hawkins. Lost in my own thoughts I got on to the elevator. There was just this other man in the elevator. He had the most "do not mess with me, serious, boring" face that I had ever seen. Arrogant man, huh. As, I stepped out, he called me. I was a little surprised; I turned and realized that I was leaving my carry bag of kurtas behind. I thanked him and left.

Stop it, Amodita. It is gone, it is not there anymore, I shout at myself again. Is it that easy to wipe away everything that's made me what I am? I guess not. With questions like this on my mind, I fell asleep

Pretty Delhi

2007-08-10T01:10:00.001+05:30

Delhi can be pretty. I know that pretty is not really the right adjective to describe a city but I like the sound of it, the word pretty sounds pretty and Delhi looks pretty now. It rained today; it was not really one of those torrential monsoon showers but one of those sporadic autumn showers. After a long time I heard the chirping of birds which gives the feeling that they are happy, after a long time the leaves have that lovely shade of green, ripped off the brown dust. What I really like is those tiny puddles on the roads. It takes me back to my school days when I would jump on them to splash water on the passers by (what happened after that feat is something I rather not discuss). I stare at them and wish I could just do the same thing again. But I am wary of the consequences now. Guess adulthood brings these strange fears and bondages. I miss the liberty and the freedom that childhood gives.

2007-06-25T08:37:00.001+05:30

I have no hopes nor do I have any expectations. I think that is why I am safe and I think that is why I am still living. It was not easy for me yet I had to do it. What made me do it? I don't know. I was living with this inside me and it was tearing me apart.And now that I have said it I feel so light inside. The pain shall remain but atleast now I can find solace in the fact that I am not the only one. You feel the pain too.

Oh Calcutta!!!

2007-06-21T19:38:00.003+05:30

I read this beautiful article on Calcutta today. It was titled Calcutta forever. The Communist government completes 30 years in West Bengal and hence the article.

Calcutta is forever. Yes, it is. For me it will always be Calcutta and not Kolkata. It was so refreshing to see the name of the city being spelt as "Calcutta" and not "Kolkata". It was a very well written article, one that made me nostalgic about the city and its wonders, the Coffee House, the trams, bus conductors shouting Garia, BBD Bag, etc., the adda and tea for 50paise, and lot more.

I am not from Calcutta, but the city has always been close to my heart. Maybe because it’s my birthplace or maybe for the mere fact that I am a Bengali. The description of Calcutta in the article took me back to a time when I would hold my father's hands and stroll through the streets and then finally stop somewhere to eat the beguni or aloo chop.

I went to Calcutta a few months back after a long gap and I was amazed to see the changes. Malls, pubs, KFC's, Baristas and the Cafe Coffee Days. Yet what I love about the city is the co existence of the past and the present. I am happy that the city is growing yet I can still find those small things that used to give me immense happiness. The writer wrote that the old Calcutta sheds its skin slowly. I agree to some extent but I don't think Calcutta will shed its old skin completely ever. As he wrote..... Calcutta is forever!!!

The Ache

2007-06-18T23:33:00.001+05:30

Have u ever felt an ache in the heart that hurts physically? I have and it hurts so much. When I lie on my bed and stare at the white ceiling, I feel this pain. At times I enjoy this pain. You know the ache because you long for someone; I like this feeling of longing. Along with the pain it also gives me warmth. Ya, you may feel that this pain is self inflicted. At one glance, it may seem so. But if you look at it a little more closely you will realize that it’s not self inflicted. You came like a breeze, touched me, touched my soul and now you are going. Could I have avoided it? I tried to but I just became a dried leaf which swayed with the breeze. And, now I am transported here without anything but just the feeling and the pain. It was a moment and a moment which transformed me and left its indelible mark. You came and penetrated my soul, my heart. You saw the real me, you felt me, my happiness, my sorrows as if it were your own. You made me laugh at the silliest of things and you made me cry. The time has come for us to move on and I know that there isn’t anything that I can do about it. This was the only time I was meant to be with you. Then why does my heart crave for more and more? Why does it ache?

Entwined

2007-06-18T02:30:00.002+05:30

2007-06-18T02:26:00.001+05:30

Thank You

2007-06-18T00:16:00.002+05:30

This post is for you, a wonderful person who has made my life beautiful in a million ways, thank you for all that and a lot more. I know that you may never read this but its just another way of me appreciating all that you have done for me.

Thank you for coming into my life, and making me realise that life is beautiful,
Thank you for teaching me how to love myself,
Thank you for giving me strength,
Thank you for standing by me when I needed you,
Thank you for restoring back my faith,
Thank you for teaching me to fight,
Thank you for the best times of my life.

I could go on and on thanking you for the myriad things. But trust me no matter how many times I say thanks it will never be enough.

Is this me??

2007-06-12T16:30:00.003+05:30

I read this and was wondering is this me??? Moving from girlhood to middleage and avoiding the womanhood?? Am I lost and found??? I really don't know. But when I raed this I somehow felt that it may be me...........

Lament, of Change

I do not embrace change.
At this stage in my life,
ebbing away inexorably
from girlhood to middle-age
avoiding much of womanhood between;

no, I do not embrace change
I remain a constant, both dull and loyal
the rock from which is launched
other people’s dreams.

I would embroider me one of those samplers;
Victoriana in its purest form -
I am lost and found, unclaimed property
and I cannot find a place like home.

I would place a candle in the window
if you had not made it clear
your journeying is not done and I
cannot follow nor expect your return.
Friendship it seems, has its limits.

Glass and paste and glitter -
I thought it was a long and fruitful path
but barren fields surround me
and I am not accepting of this failure.
My refusal to make merry at this wake
has sealed my fate, in your eyes I have becomea burden.
I would be light-hearted if I could
but I cannot play that role.
You sliced deep, you struck home.

Nor will I play the part you wrote for me,
of spinster friend, empty of hope
pulling you back. Or have I already
unconsciously adopted this disguise?
What a thought! Tainting every memory
of companionship. Breeding insecurity
all too easy as a single woman of uncertain age

Ah, one cannot write a friendship while alive
It needs death to sanctify it.